About a month ago a pain in my left side just under the ribcage started, okay nothing to it must be a pulled muscle. Two weeks later the pain was still there so I went to see the doctor, I saw the nurse first and they said it was colic. Take some pills it will be fine in a week...
A week later the pain was still there so back to the doctor I go, the pain had decided to spread to my lower abdomen and there was a sore place on my right. I was told it was nothing more than a stomach issue, take these pills and go home.
Third week in I'm still in pain my movement has become less and less, as too much moving around tends to set off the pain from an ache to stabbing. Once more I go to the doctor I was told its acid, take some indigestion tablets and come back if its not settled... Another week passes I go in again and again I was told its acid, given some pills and told to take them for a week or two. I even pointed out that I had some caffiene just the once during all this time, and it caused me a lot of agony even giving me some breathing problems. I was assured that caffiene was unable to cause such a reaction, the pain was now in both sides and spread to my lower back.
Fourth week which was this week to be precise I got my appointment, made it a point to see a completely different doctor. By this time I have become unable to walk from home to town to home again, without suffering a great deal of pain from my sides, lower back and occasionally my lower abdomen. Finally I was told it might be gallstones and that they asked me to be booked in for a scan, sure I have to wait for six to eight weeks for it but I'm finally getting somewhere. Recently though the sore part on my right tends to act up on its own, my diet now consists of my usual breakfast of cheerios but I'm now eating more rice. As rice is good at keeping the attacks down so I don't get those aweful cramps like I did one morning, the pain is still in the various places but sometimes can be felt in between my shoulder blades.
There's one other thing I won't mention here but its safe its not normal, safe to say my roleplay has been cut down upon specially after I really started to get in to Fallen - City of Charm. Still unable to walk around or do much which, is not only frustrating to me but to my family too. As I have a harder time now cleaning the house and doing my regular chores, even my boyfriend has to be a little more careful with me than usual. Thank fuck he came to visit me, I was getting really down recently. There you have it... I wish I could stay healthy for longer than three bloody months, would be nice.
On the upside though I got discharged from my eye doctor, as my double vision has almost cleared up and my eye muscles are looking loads better than before. Gotta have something to be thankful for.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Random thoughts
Evil: The perception of evil has always been this, what is deemed wrong is wrong and what is deemed good is good. What if evil believes it is good and doing what it thinks is right? Evil as we're often told is perception, it goes against our society and laws, it has no actual boundries. Its just plain not right. I got to thinking at one point about Hitler, his racial hatred and how he not only attempted to eradicate an entire type of people but make his own super race. Now the question begs did he see the wrongs of the world, then considered to wipe out not just the Jews but the entire human race? Once the world was cleansed would his new race of better humans take over? If he saw his actions as good for the betterment of humans, its no wonder he commited mass murder on the largest scale possible. You can't make a new race with making a hell of a lot sacrifices. I once read that when he was a boy he fell off his raft, he was pulled out of the water by the Angel of Death. It told him that for him it would be the Angel of Life, I don't really delve too much in to some fairy tale fantasy he may have whipped up. Sometimes I think we need to think outside our own box that society has placed upon us, one day someone will come along just like Hitler and succede where he failed. Evil that thinks its good. Think about it.
Master/Mistress/Slave/Pet: The term Master is now so far from its original meaning its askewed to the point, it means a hell a lot different than what it used to. In the UK any boy under the age of sixteen is called Master, once they become sixteen its then Mister. Also the title of Master was usually given to the man of the household, he was the breadmaker, paid the wages of his servants, and his wife was often called Ma'am. He owned the house, he owned everything in it, he was the Master of the house. Now the word is used for those who own slaves and pets...
Mistress was only ever given to a woman who was the bit on the side for a married man, if the man was married and sleeping around with another woman she was the Mistress not the wife. The term is also given if the woman is head of her own house, where there is normally a Master she would be the Mistress. These days its connected to Dominatrix and its old meaning left behind somewhere in the gutter.
Slave was the term given to people sold in to slavery, they had no wages as they were forced to work for free. Often were chained together and chained at night to stop them escaping. Today of course its a different meaning, a slave can either be someone forced in to being owned or someone who just wants someone else to do all the relationship work for them. Some slaves actually love to serve, to make their owner happy, and to just be what their gender in days past dictated they should be. We have a genetic evolution for a reason, people should stop throwing themselves backwards and stand up for once. Here I must say that sometimes its not like that at all, its about giving yourself over completely to someone you love and trust, that they will love you, protect you, guard you, and give you back as much as you offer to them. In this fashion I sometimes call my partner Master, okay Picket might growl at that but its not collar and leash its still equal he doesn't own me. I just chose to let him have all of me all that I am, I submit to him (I've only ever submitted to one other) and I haven't regretted it once not at all. Besides if you think about it a wedding ring is a collar of sorts, it binds two people in a ceremony.
The pet is much like the slave there's not much difference but pets are often willing to throw themselves in to collars, mostly because they don't know how to behave on their own sexually and need to be dominated. This complete submission not only smacks of lack of will, but 50% of them can't even think for themselves. I've met some smart pets though, and those same ones often stand up for themselves when pushed.
Love: I have felt love before at least I think I have, but never to this degree and never forsaking all others. My only desire is him, my only want is him, my only need is him. In so short a time I have given myself to him, made him my world and can't seem to get enough of him. That after we've seen eachother physically I'm often at a loss what to do with myself, as a part of me feels empty that he seems to fill and I never thought that hole of my soul could ever be filled. Love is wonderful its made me happy and less depressed, it also feels like a kick in the teeth at times.
Master/Mistress/Slave/Pet: The term Master is now so far from its original meaning its askewed to the point, it means a hell a lot different than what it used to. In the UK any boy under the age of sixteen is called Master, once they become sixteen its then Mister. Also the title of Master was usually given to the man of the household, he was the breadmaker, paid the wages of his servants, and his wife was often called Ma'am. He owned the house, he owned everything in it, he was the Master of the house. Now the word is used for those who own slaves and pets...
Mistress was only ever given to a woman who was the bit on the side for a married man, if the man was married and sleeping around with another woman she was the Mistress not the wife. The term is also given if the woman is head of her own house, where there is normally a Master she would be the Mistress. These days its connected to Dominatrix and its old meaning left behind somewhere in the gutter.
Slave was the term given to people sold in to slavery, they had no wages as they were forced to work for free. Often were chained together and chained at night to stop them escaping. Today of course its a different meaning, a slave can either be someone forced in to being owned or someone who just wants someone else to do all the relationship work for them. Some slaves actually love to serve, to make their owner happy, and to just be what their gender in days past dictated they should be. We have a genetic evolution for a reason, people should stop throwing themselves backwards and stand up for once. Here I must say that sometimes its not like that at all, its about giving yourself over completely to someone you love and trust, that they will love you, protect you, guard you, and give you back as much as you offer to them. In this fashion I sometimes call my partner Master, okay Picket might growl at that but its not collar and leash its still equal he doesn't own me. I just chose to let him have all of me all that I am, I submit to him (I've only ever submitted to one other) and I haven't regretted it once not at all. Besides if you think about it a wedding ring is a collar of sorts, it binds two people in a ceremony.
The pet is much like the slave there's not much difference but pets are often willing to throw themselves in to collars, mostly because they don't know how to behave on their own sexually and need to be dominated. This complete submission not only smacks of lack of will, but 50% of them can't even think for themselves. I've met some smart pets though, and those same ones often stand up for themselves when pushed.
Love: I have felt love before at least I think I have, but never to this degree and never forsaking all others. My only desire is him, my only want is him, my only need is him. In so short a time I have given myself to him, made him my world and can't seem to get enough of him. That after we've seen eachother physically I'm often at a loss what to do with myself, as a part of me feels empty that he seems to fill and I never thought that hole of my soul could ever be filled. Love is wonderful its made me happy and less depressed, it also feels like a kick in the teeth at times.
Monday, 10 October 2011
Illness
For the past five months I've been suffering with an ear ache, that has
had constant meds in order to fix it but the damn thing still hurts
anyway. On top of that I had light headedness and nausea, course this
came with the territority of a bad, immflamed eardrum yay! You expect
that after a week or two things would have been better but no, the issue
went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
Its still not all that great now.
Back in June the double vision struck so I went to the opticians they gave me new a prescription and I got new glasses, everything was pretty much fine for a couple of months until... The lightheadedness struck again along with oh look double vision, back to the optician who couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent a letter to my doctor to refere me to a specilist since they can't find anything wrong with me, other tha my terrible vision to start with. (I have to wear glasses all the time now >>)
Over the past few months with the lightheadedness an almost constant, I stepped down as an officer in Archaic Redemption and all but quit roleplaying. I couldn't focus on any of it and I needed to have no admin stuff as it was stressful. Also I kept going back and forth to the doctors with either my ear or complaints about being dizzy and feeling ill. At one point I had proberly stressed myself out so much, I ended up with a tension headache that just wouldn't go away. Yay for that too ><
In the meantime since I haven't been in Secondlife all that much anymore, I took up playing World of Warcraft again just for something to do. For anyone who doesn't like the game good for you that's your choice, I really don't need some immature prick shoving their utter dislike for it down my throat; while not only insulting me for liking for it but also ripping in to the people who play the game. Hey lets not stop there they also continue to rip in to the game itself, and generally insult all players, creators and makers for the sheer fact they don't like this game. If you got any such comments then keep them to yourself, or you will be muted, blocked and ignored for the rest of your life. Respect me and what I like and I will do the same, I don't insult you for what you like or insult the things you like. I always state hey I don't like that its not my thing, and generally leave it at that for there isn't any reason to go any further.
Okay so the doctors have set me up for some appointments one of which, I have just had that was to scan my liver, gall bladder and kidneys to see if they're healthy... Despite my liver functioning a little higher than it should. The other one is later this month which, will be for my eyes to see what is causing my double visison.
All in all I aint been pretty well though generally been able to carry on with my life, its a litte depressing at times to constantly feel like you're gonna pass out or the world is shifting. Since they won't give me anything for it I have to get used to it and carry on, though I got a drawer full of medications now mostly painkillers for my headache.
Can anyone say quack? They should have done more for me by now, but hey you get what you paid for! Free healthcare...
Back in June the double vision struck so I went to the opticians they gave me new a prescription and I got new glasses, everything was pretty much fine for a couple of months until... The lightheadedness struck again along with oh look double vision, back to the optician who couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent a letter to my doctor to refere me to a specilist since they can't find anything wrong with me, other tha my terrible vision to start with. (I have to wear glasses all the time now >>)
Over the past few months with the lightheadedness an almost constant, I stepped down as an officer in Archaic Redemption and all but quit roleplaying. I couldn't focus on any of it and I needed to have no admin stuff as it was stressful. Also I kept going back and forth to the doctors with either my ear or complaints about being dizzy and feeling ill. At one point I had proberly stressed myself out so much, I ended up with a tension headache that just wouldn't go away. Yay for that too ><
In the meantime since I haven't been in Secondlife all that much anymore, I took up playing World of Warcraft again just for something to do. For anyone who doesn't like the game good for you that's your choice, I really don't need some immature prick shoving their utter dislike for it down my throat; while not only insulting me for liking for it but also ripping in to the people who play the game. Hey lets not stop there they also continue to rip in to the game itself, and generally insult all players, creators and makers for the sheer fact they don't like this game. If you got any such comments then keep them to yourself, or you will be muted, blocked and ignored for the rest of your life. Respect me and what I like and I will do the same, I don't insult you for what you like or insult the things you like. I always state hey I don't like that its not my thing, and generally leave it at that for there isn't any reason to go any further.
Okay so the doctors have set me up for some appointments one of which, I have just had that was to scan my liver, gall bladder and kidneys to see if they're healthy... Despite my liver functioning a little higher than it should. The other one is later this month which, will be for my eyes to see what is causing my double visison.
All in all I aint been pretty well though generally been able to carry on with my life, its a litte depressing at times to constantly feel like you're gonna pass out or the world is shifting. Since they won't give me anything for it I have to get used to it and carry on, though I got a drawer full of medications now mostly painkillers for my headache.
Can anyone say quack? They should have done more for me by now, but hey you get what you paid for! Free healthcare...
Saturday, 10 September 2011
Ugh...
Four or three months ago I had some problems with my ear, and to this day they haven't been sorted out yet. Despite seeing the doctor several times and getting meds, I still have earache and recently started getting double vision and light headedness again. On monday I went to the optician and he said he was going to write to my doctor to have me referred to hospital, as he can't figure out why I'm having double vision. In light of all this I stepped down as an officer in Archiac Redemption, in order to better focus on myself and not the officer work or running the black market.
My ear hurts, my head is weird and I'm once more getting depressed over this uncured condition...
My ear hurts, my head is weird and I'm once more getting depressed over this uncured condition...
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Internet love freeway
[A stupid song I might never finish xD oh well]
Yeah you can't imagine it I'm sure you don't care
That's how it happened, something so damn rare
Who ever heard of meeting someone on a game?
I know it sounds kinda fake and it might be lame
These days I've always got a button to push
I hear his voice over that comm, its such a rush.
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Pixelated fantasy incoprating vivid emotion
We've got the passion to make our motion
Together we got the roleplay and the flare
Take me down baby that's the meter dare
You already wrote out giving me your heart
I'll give you my soul dear and that's just the start
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Yeah you can't imagine it I'm sure you don't care
That's how it happened, something so damn rare
Who ever heard of meeting someone on a game?
I know it sounds kinda fake and it might be lame
These days I've always got a button to push
I hear his voice over that comm, its such a rush.
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Pixelated fantasy incoprating vivid emotion
We've got the passion to make our motion
Together we got the roleplay and the flare
Take me down baby that's the meter dare
You already wrote out giving me your heart
I'll give you my soul dear and that's just the start
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Conversation, used with permission
xxxx: I forget beginnings after a while, but usually am jogged when someone tells about them. The way my brain works, like a computer, things are stored very detailed, but older receive less and less short term memory to bring up, when others remind me they come back.
xxxx: How many years has it been?
Blueray: Like five or something
Blueray: Six maybe
xxxx: At least four or five, I figured five, but my guestimation on such things is usually at least one year off.
Blueray: You wanted to die, if I never messaged you at all you'd be dead...
xxxx: I remember that, I just wasn't sure what started the super-long conversation that it's been.
Blueray: I may not be very talkative these days, I've had a tough time over the last few years
xxxx: I've definitely grown out and away from that kind of thinking. I remember it though sometimes.
Blueray: I'm glad
xxxx: Thanks Ru.
Blueray: You're welcome
~~~~
xxxx: I believe your four year cycle of the deathening is relatively what I've experienced earlier though, death on death on death without enough time between to recover, gets you numb, makes you lose parts you want back.
xxxx: Generally you mend, people around you help you do that, sometimes do it for you if you can't. It takes time.
xxxx: The worst parts may never leave, but you eventually get to a point you can live and go on with them, with you.
Blueray: I always just carry on
xxxx: Heh, heh, I only say it because I figure something in it will help, you're more than welcome to throw it back and call it all horse shit if it's your way.
xxxx: I guess aside from not being able to help myself a ton I have it concrete in my mind I can help fix people even if just a small piece.
Blueray: Someone once said they had it easy they had three deaths in one year and then no more for years on end, it was easier for them to get over the loss. I haven't had the time at all its been one after the after, fuck I miss my mum so much as it is. I think thats why I'm with Caia cos I want something to actually work and go right for once, its not going right at all and he just seems to want to fuck. Like the words "I love you" are some sort of chains, and I don't know what to do. I can help everyone else, but I'm getting more and more lost
xxxx: Yeaaah. I don't use the love you's lightly at all, why I can't say it if I can't mean it. Hate people that use words so lightly.
xxxx: When things are worst, I close up, not in the bad complete way, but I take a break, cut ties that don't help me, help me, even if only temporarilly. When I spend time by myself (mind you the depression can get at you just as easily, so might have to spend time around people a lot too... depends on person) I find that I heal more quickly and am generally more at peace. When I do spend time with people whilst being in the hellzone they're core people that I trust, best friends that you know won't randomly wound you kind of thing, family like that too.
Blueray: I'd rather just shut myself away from all the pain and hurt, its easier that way
xxxx: How many years has it been?
Blueray: Like five or something
Blueray: Six maybe
xxxx: At least four or five, I figured five, but my guestimation on such things is usually at least one year off.
Blueray: You wanted to die, if I never messaged you at all you'd be dead...
xxxx: I remember that, I just wasn't sure what started the super-long conversation that it's been.
Blueray: I may not be very talkative these days, I've had a tough time over the last few years
xxxx: I've definitely grown out and away from that kind of thinking. I remember it though sometimes.
Blueray: I'm glad
xxxx: Thanks Ru.
Blueray: You're welcome
~~~~
xxxx: I believe your four year cycle of the deathening is relatively what I've experienced earlier though, death on death on death without enough time between to recover, gets you numb, makes you lose parts you want back.
xxxx: Generally you mend, people around you help you do that, sometimes do it for you if you can't. It takes time.
xxxx: The worst parts may never leave, but you eventually get to a point you can live and go on with them, with you.
Blueray: I always just carry on
xxxx: Heh, heh, I only say it because I figure something in it will help, you're more than welcome to throw it back and call it all horse shit if it's your way.
xxxx: I guess aside from not being able to help myself a ton I have it concrete in my mind I can help fix people even if just a small piece.
Blueray: Someone once said they had it easy they had three deaths in one year and then no more for years on end, it was easier for them to get over the loss. I haven't had the time at all its been one after the after, fuck I miss my mum so much as it is. I think thats why I'm with Caia cos I want something to actually work and go right for once, its not going right at all and he just seems to want to fuck. Like the words "I love you" are some sort of chains, and I don't know what to do. I can help everyone else, but I'm getting more and more lost
xxxx: Yeaaah. I don't use the love you's lightly at all, why I can't say it if I can't mean it. Hate people that use words so lightly.
xxxx: When things are worst, I close up, not in the bad complete way, but I take a break, cut ties that don't help me, help me, even if only temporarilly. When I spend time by myself (mind you the depression can get at you just as easily, so might have to spend time around people a lot too... depends on person) I find that I heal more quickly and am generally more at peace. When I do spend time with people whilst being in the hellzone they're core people that I trust, best friends that you know won't randomly wound you kind of thing, family like that too.
Blueray: I'd rather just shut myself away from all the pain and hurt, its easier that way
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Slaves and Pets
Okay I get it some women love to be submissive, told what to do, bossed about, walked all over etc. There are others who just have no spine, allow themselves to be collared in SL cos they don't know how to stand up for themselves. Some the last few are just lazy they don't want to work at a relationship, they just want to be told what to do and that's final.
I don't mind slaves after being around Nalen and learning about Gor (Good and bad mind you), I found that a lot of slaves are really nice, fun even witty and intelligent. They just love that sort of lifestyle. Myself I will never get in to it, I refuse to be ordered around by men.
Men don't own women they aren't even better than us, because most of them are some sort of shithead. Quit trying to go around collecting a harem of pets, any of you you're all starting to piss me the fuck off.
So to all you women out there... If you love it great quit shoving it in my face though, I'm open minded but it doesn't mean I gotta like it. If you are spineless get a fucking spine, quit being so submissive and tell the guy where to fuck off to. Hopefully off a damn cliff! If you're lazy good for you but relationships take two, and they are best when everything is equal. Take some responsibility for yourself for once, and WORK at it or its really just not worth it at all.
To all the Gorean men who think every woman be they Gorean or not is beneath them and inferior - If you are not on a Gor sim the women are not collarable in any fashion or any way, they are free to make the decision for themselves if your worthless hide is worthy of such a privilage. If you are on an RP sim that is not Gorean then do not continously dodge the attacks of women, or even belittle them and declare them useless because they are female. You are breaking RP equitete and you are being a fucking dumbshit asshole, it really pisses me off when some shithead man thinks he's so awesome cos he's a so called fucking Master. If your character is human going against a female demon, the female demon will get attacks that HIT and she will WIN. Demons are superior to humans regardless of gender, you're an arrogant sexist pig go the fuck back to your stupid Gorean fucking sim. FUCKER!
I'm done ranting now ^^
I don't mind slaves after being around Nalen and learning about Gor (Good and bad mind you), I found that a lot of slaves are really nice, fun even witty and intelligent. They just love that sort of lifestyle. Myself I will never get in to it, I refuse to be ordered around by men.
Men don't own women they aren't even better than us, because most of them are some sort of shithead. Quit trying to go around collecting a harem of pets, any of you you're all starting to piss me the fuck off.
So to all you women out there... If you love it great quit shoving it in my face though, I'm open minded but it doesn't mean I gotta like it. If you are spineless get a fucking spine, quit being so submissive and tell the guy where to fuck off to. Hopefully off a damn cliff! If you're lazy good for you but relationships take two, and they are best when everything is equal. Take some responsibility for yourself for once, and WORK at it or its really just not worth it at all.
To all the Gorean men who think every woman be they Gorean or not is beneath them and inferior - If you are not on a Gor sim the women are not collarable in any fashion or any way, they are free to make the decision for themselves if your worthless hide is worthy of such a privilage. If you are on an RP sim that is not Gorean then do not continously dodge the attacks of women, or even belittle them and declare them useless because they are female. You are breaking RP equitete and you are being a fucking dumbshit asshole, it really pisses me off when some shithead man thinks he's so awesome cos he's a so called fucking Master. If your character is human going against a female demon, the female demon will get attacks that HIT and she will WIN. Demons are superior to humans regardless of gender, you're an arrogant sexist pig go the fuck back to your stupid Gorean fucking sim. FUCKER!
I'm done ranting now ^^
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Blueray drama and her drama llhama
I've been told before that if you got a lot of deaths all in one go, it is easier to get over them and recover over time. Rather than have one to begin recovery, to have another and start the process again to be smacked by a third. Now I never went to the funerals of my grandparents on my dad's side, because at the time I knew I wouldn't be able to cope at all.
However I went to the three funerals that happened on my mum's side, though I never really show how deep my unstability is; it is there all the same. Ah the joys of being emotionally detached are no longer mine, and gods I do wish I could return to such a state.
Oct 21st 2006 - Mum passed away from Cancer. Dec 23rd 2008 - Grampy passed away from Caner. Feb 9th 2010 - Nana passed away from a heart attack.
Feb 2009 - Blueray has an emotional breakdown, mostly due to stress of being over-worked and undermined.
Oh look its March now and I have another one, so yay go me and I break down completely. I've sort of been ex-communicated for now from people in order to "get better", or in my opinion its to "shove my depression" back in to its usual confines and carry on. On the upside its easier to hide depression when the bottle is a bigger and can hold more, I have been told that time will make it smaller and less able to hold things in.
Does this mean then that once a year I am gonna go BOOM, cos I over-filled my bottle and it couldn't cope anymore?
I feel rather lame and disgusted at myself for even getting to this point, there has been a lot going on. I don't tend to talk about it even when prodded I just shut off, and I never speak what I feel because its easier than being hurt even though its obvious I'm going nuts with it. For instance a whole storm went down at a sim, lots of angry voices and drama and stress, we all talked about that because it was a common thing for us to share. On the other hand I had some stuff going on mostly on the emotional side and connected to the foul thing called a heart which, did not help at all with all the other things that had been going on. Hence boom.
I prefer to bottle up rather than talk or let out, or do what I normally do when things are too much. My closest friends have enough trouble getting anything out of me when I'm in the dumps, seriously just ask them they have to poke and prod til I give and just spill the beans. I suppose that's why I can write things in a journal, because its never to their face or erm IM box nor does it mention any names. No sources for love, hurt, drama, pain, jealousy and other various nounces that make up my pitiful human psyché.
Messages:
Yes I'm a bitter person...
Yes I don't like many people, yet can be the cyber social butterfly.
I will continue to live for friends, no matter how hard I try I can not find a reason to live for myself.
I can't fix myself.
I can fix everyone else.
I don't think anyone in my entire life can hurt me so much without meaning to, and still manage to be kept around simply because I can not do without you. (I've now deleted this twice and re-wrote it)
Keeping silence is the best thing to do, no matter how I feel about people telling them would make them run. I would rather keep them as friends and close to me, rather than have them walk out completely because I revealed my heart.
Pain hurts I deal with it.
Never let him go, once you do you lost him.
End venting/rant.
However I went to the three funerals that happened on my mum's side, though I never really show how deep my unstability is; it is there all the same. Ah the joys of being emotionally detached are no longer mine, and gods I do wish I could return to such a state.
Oct 21st 2006 - Mum passed away from Cancer. Dec 23rd 2008 - Grampy passed away from Caner. Feb 9th 2010 - Nana passed away from a heart attack.
Feb 2009 - Blueray has an emotional breakdown, mostly due to stress of being over-worked and undermined.
Oh look its March now and I have another one, so yay go me and I break down completely. I've sort of been ex-communicated for now from people in order to "get better", or in my opinion its to "shove my depression" back in to its usual confines and carry on. On the upside its easier to hide depression when the bottle is a bigger and can hold more, I have been told that time will make it smaller and less able to hold things in.
Does this mean then that once a year I am gonna go BOOM, cos I over-filled my bottle and it couldn't cope anymore?
I feel rather lame and disgusted at myself for even getting to this point, there has been a lot going on. I don't tend to talk about it even when prodded I just shut off, and I never speak what I feel because its easier than being hurt even though its obvious I'm going nuts with it. For instance a whole storm went down at a sim, lots of angry voices and drama and stress, we all talked about that because it was a common thing for us to share. On the other hand I had some stuff going on mostly on the emotional side and connected to the foul thing called a heart which, did not help at all with all the other things that had been going on. Hence boom.
I prefer to bottle up rather than talk or let out, or do what I normally do when things are too much. My closest friends have enough trouble getting anything out of me when I'm in the dumps, seriously just ask them they have to poke and prod til I give and just spill the beans. I suppose that's why I can write things in a journal, because its never to their face or erm IM box nor does it mention any names. No sources for love, hurt, drama, pain, jealousy and other various nounces that make up my pitiful human psyché.
Messages:
Yes I'm a bitter person...
Yes I don't like many people, yet can be the cyber social butterfly.
I will continue to live for friends, no matter how hard I try I can not find a reason to live for myself.
I can't fix myself.
I can fix everyone else.
I don't think anyone in my entire life can hurt me so much without meaning to, and still manage to be kept around simply because I can not do without you. (I've now deleted this twice and re-wrote it)
Keeping silence is the best thing to do, no matter how I feel about people telling them would make them run. I would rather keep them as friends and close to me, rather than have them walk out completely because I revealed my heart.
Pain hurts I deal with it.
Never let him go, once you do you lost him.
End venting/rant.
Monday, 11 January 2010
Birthday hehehe
Oh my god thank you so much to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday yesterday, you all know who you are and I love you all. Also thank you to my Picket for arranging a party in Secondlife, we even had a dj so dancing and music.
I also got on Secondlife a bunch of stuff and monies to spend to get more stuff, I couldn't have asked for a better birthday
❤
I also got on Secondlife a bunch of stuff and monies to spend to get more stuff, I couldn't have asked for a better birthday
❤
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
I don't care - Apocalyptica/Just friends - Frickin' A
I try to make it through my life
In my way
There's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, Deal with it
You try to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
I try to make you see my side
I Always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I got no room when it's like this
But you order me
just deal with it!
So
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
[Cello Solo]
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
[Piano Solo]
If you were or dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
(You won't be there for me)
I don't care
At all
~~~~~~
Here I go, Driving by your house
Might as well throw some rocks at your window
Yeah But you don't seem to care, or maybe your not there
Probably out with someone else tryin' to keep in on the down low
Just so you know
I'm not taking this so well
Since I've been alone
I've learned how to...
Cuss you out in Japanese
Organize my dvd's
Play solitaire again...and I
Hear that your doing fine
Smiling all the time
But you really rub it in...when you say you're over me
And you wanna be...just friends
Hey what about the promise that you made to me
That we'd always be together and you'd be there
Everyday I wake up
I found a box of notes you wrote
each one signed with x and o's
And b.s. - like I love you we're never gonna brake up
Just so you know
I'm not taking this so well
Now that I'm alone
I've had time to...
Cuss you out in Japanese
Organize my dvd's
Smash my sister's violin...and I
Hear that your doing fine
Smiling all the time
But you really rub it in...when you say you're over me
And you wanna be...just friends
Here I go again...
I really miss you now it's time to
Beg pretty please I'm
Pouring on the cheese
My heart may never mend
And I've punched holes in all my walls
Closed down all the malls
Smashed my sisters violin...and I
Hung our picture by the bed
You're still living in my head
At least I can pretend...that you're not over me
Cause I can't be...Just Friends
In my way
There's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, Deal with it
You try to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
I try to make you see my side
I Always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I got no room when it's like this
But you order me
just deal with it!
So
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
[Cello Solo]
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
[Piano Solo]
If you were or dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
(You won't be there for me)
I don't care
At all
~~~~~~
Here I go, Driving by your house
Might as well throw some rocks at your window
Yeah But you don't seem to care, or maybe your not there
Probably out with someone else tryin' to keep in on the down low
Just so you know
I'm not taking this so well
Since I've been alone
I've learned how to...
Cuss you out in Japanese
Organize my dvd's
Play solitaire again...and I
Hear that your doing fine
Smiling all the time
But you really rub it in...when you say you're over me
And you wanna be...just friends
Hey what about the promise that you made to me
That we'd always be together and you'd be there
Everyday I wake up
I found a box of notes you wrote
each one signed with x and o's
And b.s. - like I love you we're never gonna brake up
Just so you know
I'm not taking this so well
Now that I'm alone
I've had time to...
Cuss you out in Japanese
Organize my dvd's
Smash my sister's violin...and I
Hear that your doing fine
Smiling all the time
But you really rub it in...when you say you're over me
And you wanna be...just friends
Here I go again...
I really miss you now it's time to
Beg pretty please I'm
Pouring on the cheese
My heart may never mend
And I've punched holes in all my walls
Closed down all the malls
Smashed my sisters violin...and I
Hung our picture by the bed
You're still living in my head
At least I can pretend...that you're not over me
Cause I can't be...Just Friends
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Humbug
Its another year and another Christmas, third one without having Mum around. Over the years my parents have always argued, even on Christmas day they argued and never stopped arguing. When the turkey was cooked and all the food out on the table, we sat down to eat as a family along with our grandparents and pleasent conversation.
Even since Mum was taken away from us due to cancer, we no longer decorate or sit down to pretend to be a family for Christmas dinner. There is no longer a sense of togetherness that used to be there, we simply continue to tolerate one anothers presence while getting our stuff and scooting back off. Over the days and months the pain has lessened to a dull ache, there are times when I find myself still able to cry in large amounts over the loss. At such times I will always ask why was a good woman taken, and I was allowed to carry on living to make the others suffer? Is true that good people die before their time, no amount of anyone telling me otherwise I am not good or I would have died and not her.
The void she left is never filled and no matter what is done to fill it; it never lasts, around about December time I fall deeply in to my depression and seek distraction. Its rather pathetic that I still cry and cry over other things, life was so much easier for me when I was emotionally detached from stuff. A year that begins with a funeral I have discovered never tends to be a good year, hence on the 5th January 2009 we cremated my Grampy who died from cancer on the 23rd December 2008...
I would make a New Year's resolution to empower myself more to be myself to be free, to never love again nor allow myself to love and to finish off with telling people what I really want to say. Problem here is that I would break a lot of them as I'm rather scared to tell people what is truely on my mind, especially when it comes to speaking to the person about the matters of the heart and they are the cause.
For instance...
Thank you for always being there, being supportive, for the comfort and for your time. I know you better than most and less than others, but you are an awesome friend that is all you will be no matter my feelings on the subject. As a friend you can only be the best plus benefits (Though not currently due to circumstance), as a lover you are certainly no good for me and will forever cause me pain. However even though you broke my heart and I have repaired the damage to an extent, this has left some aspects of our friendship to be rather difficult for me. You have noticed it but refrain from asking, and I refuse to answer anyway. I grow confused over your actions that when I think I'm over you, I'm thrown for a loop and fall right back down to cry for hours on end as the agony re-asserts itself.
I occasionally grow weary of this power over me, and thus I rebel or do something that is very much like something I would do in order to push you away or exert my freedom. I would like to say this through no fault of your own, I simply should be more careful and go back to being a stone hearted bitch. I should have never broke my own vow in the first place, but a thawed out heart has no control. Alas...
So anyway
Screw fucking Christmas up the arse, roll on the New Year and then Easter. Yes that's right I fucking well hate Valentine's Day too!
Even since Mum was taken away from us due to cancer, we no longer decorate or sit down to pretend to be a family for Christmas dinner. There is no longer a sense of togetherness that used to be there, we simply continue to tolerate one anothers presence while getting our stuff and scooting back off. Over the days and months the pain has lessened to a dull ache, there are times when I find myself still able to cry in large amounts over the loss. At such times I will always ask why was a good woman taken, and I was allowed to carry on living to make the others suffer? Is true that good people die before their time, no amount of anyone telling me otherwise I am not good or I would have died and not her.
The void she left is never filled and no matter what is done to fill it; it never lasts, around about December time I fall deeply in to my depression and seek distraction. Its rather pathetic that I still cry and cry over other things, life was so much easier for me when I was emotionally detached from stuff. A year that begins with a funeral I have discovered never tends to be a good year, hence on the 5th January 2009 we cremated my Grampy who died from cancer on the 23rd December 2008...
I would make a New Year's resolution to empower myself more to be myself to be free, to never love again nor allow myself to love and to finish off with telling people what I really want to say. Problem here is that I would break a lot of them as I'm rather scared to tell people what is truely on my mind, especially when it comes to speaking to the person about the matters of the heart and they are the cause.
For instance...
Thank you for always being there, being supportive, for the comfort and for your time. I know you better than most and less than others, but you are an awesome friend that is all you will be no matter my feelings on the subject. As a friend you can only be the best plus benefits (Though not currently due to circumstance), as a lover you are certainly no good for me and will forever cause me pain. However even though you broke my heart and I have repaired the damage to an extent, this has left some aspects of our friendship to be rather difficult for me. You have noticed it but refrain from asking, and I refuse to answer anyway. I grow confused over your actions that when I think I'm over you, I'm thrown for a loop and fall right back down to cry for hours on end as the agony re-asserts itself.
I occasionally grow weary of this power over me, and thus I rebel or do something that is very much like something I would do in order to push you away or exert my freedom. I would like to say this through no fault of your own, I simply should be more careful and go back to being a stone hearted bitch. I should have never broke my own vow in the first place, but a thawed out heart has no control. Alas...
So anyway
Screw fucking Christmas up the arse, roll on the New Year and then Easter. Yes that's right I fucking well hate Valentine's Day too!
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Offline
Its a standard thing for me now to be offline and not bothered to come online, when I'm feeling so down in the dumps that to be around people will make me bring them down with me. In such events I will just refuse to be around and go to sleep, yesterdays one was no exception I went to sleep. I was so uptight about open chat that certain things just urked me, in furthering my mood I allowed myself to just slip.
Okay we're all familar with the fact I'm in love, broken hearted etc etc. Only problem is everytime I think I'm on the mend, he does something that makes me melt right back to him. Ah the power of a male who knows just what to say and do... I logged on this morning after sleeping the night away, he logs on and messages me about how he missed me. I told him he worries too much he says he always worries, especially where I am concerned. Gone... Just like that I'm wanting to cry, mostly at the unfairness of it all.
Maybe I should leave the Shadows and cut off communication, as people have told me before I am only hurting myself by continuing being around him. He is a friend after all right? And I love that group with everything I have, but is it really advisiable to be in it considering my own personal hurt?
Maybe I like to remind myself he's not mine never will be, and each time I break down I should just get up again. I will carry on regardless, I am free and most importantly of all.
I
am
me
Okay we're all familar with the fact I'm in love, broken hearted etc etc. Only problem is everytime I think I'm on the mend, he does something that makes me melt right back to him. Ah the power of a male who knows just what to say and do... I logged on this morning after sleeping the night away, he logs on and messages me about how he missed me. I told him he worries too much he says he always worries, especially where I am concerned. Gone... Just like that I'm wanting to cry, mostly at the unfairness of it all.
Maybe I should leave the Shadows and cut off communication, as people have told me before I am only hurting myself by continuing being around him. He is a friend after all right? And I love that group with everything I have, but is it really advisiable to be in it considering my own personal hurt?
Maybe I like to remind myself he's not mine never will be, and each time I break down I should just get up again. I will carry on regardless, I am free and most importantly of all.
I
am
me
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Same shit different day
Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.
Makes a Blueray sad...
Makes a Blueray sad...
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Secret romantic/Dashed hopes
So I say that the single life is fine because I got my Picket who is my onlinesister and my wife online in Secondlife, but in reality I am in fact alone and I feel rather lonely but I'm used to it. And I am used to the fact that it will never change, even if I tried to change something will always go wrong usually on the their side. At the end of the day men are fucking pricks, jerks, arseholes or any other degradorty term you can think of. I think I just mis-spelled but I don't care.
Truth is...
I'm rather sappy and secretly I want someone to love me just as much as I love them, to be snuggled up together on a sofa watching anime or reading books. In the winter months be curled up by an open fire, tangled with one another on a warm rug drinking hot chocolate with marshmellows in it. And I'm tired of being alone but I gave up my heart and had it smashed, so as some people know I'm fixing what got broken but gods he aint making it easy.
Happiness is a floundering thing that I often or not find is hard to keep a grasp on, it slips through my fingers quicker than sand and is gone in an instant. One reason why I love to try and help fix other people, I can't fix myself so I help others and when they no longer need me they move on and I find others to fix. I live for other people, not for myself.
Excerpt of recent conversation:
Blueray says:
*Well its obvious the way things keep going keep messing up, I should stay single have been for years. Its not going to change, its not meant to change and I'm used to it. I only suffered a broken heart once, this is the second time. I'll live and survive and shut up again, because that how I am. I will be Happy being alone, its less hassle and less heartache. You sis you deserve someone to make you feel good, to make you smile every day of the year. If ya get hurt I'm here for you like always
xxxx says:
*I think you're wrong.
*not wrong that you're always here for me but wrong that you think you dont deserve to be happy too. You put yourself down so much and it makes me sad. But really you're wonderful and thats NOT just me being partial. You really are. You're completely selfless you know? You're only happy alone in your mind. It's because you cant get hurt but thats not happy that's playing safe and it's just lonely.
*There are five people out there for everyone. One perfect soul mate and 4 others who are great. You have yet to find any of them. I believe that in my heart.
Blueray says:
*Nicky was great for a while :/ I don't know xxxx I don't like getting carried away, I don't want to keep opening up to get hurt. I'm alone and I'm scared, I just live for everyone else
xxxx says:
*I just want you to be happy and real happy not this charade you put on.
*You need to live for yourself.
Blueray says:
*If I was a little more selfish perhaps
Is it possible one day to have all the little romantic gestures I crave, alone with the absolute happiness that comes with a healthy, loving relationship?
I get too involved with people too fast and actually set myself up for serious falls, I will set my sights on someone and see them run off with someone else. That's life that's how things go, and at the end of things.... Men are shallow. If you don't have the right weight, height, or even facial structure, you don't get a look in and are passed over for that pretty little blonde bimbo with the giant boobs.
You could have the best personality in the world, til men can see what is on the inside as well the outside. People like me are destined to be alone. Born alone, live alone, die alone. Its a lonely fate and I accepted it, til it changes at any point so be it.
Truth is...
I'm rather sappy and secretly I want someone to love me just as much as I love them, to be snuggled up together on a sofa watching anime or reading books. In the winter months be curled up by an open fire, tangled with one another on a warm rug drinking hot chocolate with marshmellows in it. And I'm tired of being alone but I gave up my heart and had it smashed, so as some people know I'm fixing what got broken but gods he aint making it easy.
Happiness is a floundering thing that I often or not find is hard to keep a grasp on, it slips through my fingers quicker than sand and is gone in an instant. One reason why I love to try and help fix other people, I can't fix myself so I help others and when they no longer need me they move on and I find others to fix. I live for other people, not for myself.
Excerpt of recent conversation:
Blueray says:
*Well its obvious the way things keep going keep messing up, I should stay single have been for years. Its not going to change, its not meant to change and I'm used to it. I only suffered a broken heart once, this is the second time. I'll live and survive and shut up again, because that how I am. I will be Happy being alone, its less hassle and less heartache. You sis you deserve someone to make you feel good, to make you smile every day of the year. If ya get hurt I'm here for you like always
xxxx says:
*I think you're wrong.
*not wrong that you're always here for me but wrong that you think you dont deserve to be happy too. You put yourself down so much and it makes me sad. But really you're wonderful and thats NOT just me being partial. You really are. You're completely selfless you know? You're only happy alone in your mind. It's because you cant get hurt but thats not happy that's playing safe and it's just lonely.
*There are five people out there for everyone. One perfect soul mate and 4 others who are great. You have yet to find any of them. I believe that in my heart.
Blueray says:
*Nicky was great for a while :/ I don't know xxxx I don't like getting carried away, I don't want to keep opening up to get hurt. I'm alone and I'm scared, I just live for everyone else
xxxx says:
*I just want you to be happy and real happy not this charade you put on.
*You need to live for yourself.
Blueray says:
*If I was a little more selfish perhaps
Is it possible one day to have all the little romantic gestures I crave, alone with the absolute happiness that comes with a healthy, loving relationship?
I get too involved with people too fast and actually set myself up for serious falls, I will set my sights on someone and see them run off with someone else. That's life that's how things go, and at the end of things.... Men are shallow. If you don't have the right weight, height, or even facial structure, you don't get a look in and are passed over for that pretty little blonde bimbo with the giant boobs.
You could have the best personality in the world, til men can see what is on the inside as well the outside. People like me are destined to be alone. Born alone, live alone, die alone. Its a lonely fate and I accepted it, til it changes at any point so be it.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
I'll be okay - Amanda Marshall
It's time to let you go; it's time to say Goodbye
No more excuses; no more tears to cry
There's been so many changes; I was so confused
All along you were the one; all the time I never knew.
I want you to be happy; you're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now; all that could have been
I'll always have the memories; she'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing; just when you don't want it to
Throw away the chains; Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Life passes so quickly, you've got to take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters, you'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching, for what was always there,
Sometimes it will be too late, sometimes it won't be fair.
Throw away the chains, Let love fly away
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
I won't give up... I won't give in...
I can't re-create what just might have been,
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to return....
Throw away the chains, Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Can't go on forever, baby; I can't go on forever, baby...
Can't go on forever, baby... yeah...; I'll be OK
No more excuses; no more tears to cry
There's been so many changes; I was so confused
All along you were the one; all the time I never knew.
I want you to be happy; you're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now; all that could have been
I'll always have the memories; she'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing; just when you don't want it to
Throw away the chains; Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Life passes so quickly, you've got to take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters, you'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching, for what was always there,
Sometimes it will be too late, sometimes it won't be fair.
Throw away the chains, Let love fly away
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
I won't give up... I won't give in...
I can't re-create what just might have been,
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to return....
Throw away the chains, Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Can't go on forever, baby; I can't go on forever, baby...
Can't go on forever, baby... yeah...; I'll be OK
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
The shallow, the judgemental, the broken
The world is full of all sorts of people that also cling to the internet, I mean all sorts of people. While we're online we forget that a lot of us proberly aint all that good looking, and a lot of us don't have the same IQ levels as say someone who is intellectual. People do a lot of things they all have different behaviours, but if you never scrape past the surface then you will never know what that person is really like. To judge someone by what they do instead of who they are, that is a crime in itself. Remember ye must not judge unless ye be judged. We're all the same underneath, I urge people to try and learn about one another before making stupid judegements and labeling someone. For all you know they could behave in that way due to some deep seated issue.
I find that out of all things in the human race, men are the most shallow but women can be just as bad. You can when online learn to enjoy someone by their personality alone, but once it comes to the face to face meet thing and they aint a blonde, blue eyed skinny wench they aint wanted anymore. Its a shameful fact of life that this has to happen, you two people can connect in a way without being physically together only for that to crush them. Women are just as bad when it comes to weight, features and cock size, I suppose we are all shallow creatures but hell personality is a must a good body is just a bonus.
~deleted~
You became my whole world, it shattered in front of me. I'm picking up the pieces and putting them back together, slowly but surely I will be alright again I'll be okay. I refuse to go down the same route.... Our paths are different now.
Be happy <3
I find that out of all things in the human race, men are the most shallow but women can be just as bad. You can when online learn to enjoy someone by their personality alone, but once it comes to the face to face meet thing and they aint a blonde, blue eyed skinny wench they aint wanted anymore. Its a shameful fact of life that this has to happen, you two people can connect in a way without being physically together only for that to crush them. Women are just as bad when it comes to weight, features and cock size, I suppose we are all shallow creatures but hell personality is a must a good body is just a bonus.
~deleted~
You became my whole world, it shattered in front of me. I'm picking up the pieces and putting them back together, slowly but surely I will be alright again I'll be okay. I refuse to go down the same route.... Our paths are different now.
Be happy <3
Monday, 14 September 2009
Songs as a reminder
I'm going to put two songs here, the first is "If you only knew" by Shinedown. A reminder to all those who loved, love still, lost love and let their love go for the better good.
If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
I still on to the letters
You help live and learn
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew
The second song is just one I like to listen when the world seems to crack, a reminder that I am my own person and no one elses. Fallin' apart by All American Rejects
Can somebody save me?
Cus I'm thinking maybe
That yoou can take me piece by piece
Then you got your reasons
But I didn't need them
And either way I'm on my knees yeah
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
You say that you're leavin
Say that you don't need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can't make it through it
But I'm gonna try this anyway
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Anyone got it where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When my bodies close to me
I can give you anything you'd ever need
When I fall to the floor
Cus I can't feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don't need to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Where ever you are
~Chorus~
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Yeah I guess we're falling apart
Yeah it looks like we're falling apart
Yeah I guess I'm falling apart
If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
I still on to the letters
You help live and learn
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew
The second song is just one I like to listen when the world seems to crack, a reminder that I am my own person and no one elses. Fallin' apart by All American Rejects
Can somebody save me?
Cus I'm thinking maybe
That yoou can take me piece by piece
Then you got your reasons
But I didn't need them
And either way I'm on my knees yeah
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
You say that you're leavin
Say that you don't need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can't make it through it
But I'm gonna try this anyway
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Anyone got it where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When my bodies close to me
I can give you anything you'd ever need
When I fall to the floor
Cus I can't feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don't need to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Where ever you are
~Chorus~
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Yeah I guess we're falling apart
Yeah it looks like we're falling apart
Yeah I guess I'm falling apart
Saturday, 12 September 2009
All the same - Sick Puppies
I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Til you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
For certain
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breathe you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
It's all the same
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
As long as you come to me
But I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Til you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
For certain
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breathe you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
It's all the same
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Messages Five
~Message deleted~
You are stuck somewhere I don't know where, but its hurting all of us especially me and her. Yes life is hard and your plate is full, what was done by her was for the best and you know it. For gods sake stop giving us a hard time, and let us be the friends we are intended to be. Kthnx <3
From what I can tell your life is in some flux of change, you started doing what you stopped doing years ago. Its really satisfying to see you so happy making things, but I can't help feeling you are neglecting me. The same exact thing you wanted to rip him a new hole for, you are now doing yourself. However I will be supportive as a very dear friend, and be behind you all the way in whatever you achieve in life.
I hope you find the happiness you want and deserve, I hope she looks after you. I don't believe what people say, you aren't a psycho to me.
Long as you got people who care you will never walk alone.
I have a very set frame of mind of thinking, its been like it for years and trying to break it has been very difficult.
Quit disappearing. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it just makes it forget over time. I can not stay attached to someone who is not around, do as you promised to do and stick around for a bit. You are not being replaced, but our years and views on life are so different. You want kids and I don't, thats not gonna fuse nicely together at all.
In real life I'm alone........ Except on the interwebz
You are stuck somewhere I don't know where, but its hurting all of us especially me and her. Yes life is hard and your plate is full, what was done by her was for the best and you know it. For gods sake stop giving us a hard time, and let us be the friends we are intended to be. Kthnx <3
From what I can tell your life is in some flux of change, you started doing what you stopped doing years ago. Its really satisfying to see you so happy making things, but I can't help feeling you are neglecting me. The same exact thing you wanted to rip him a new hole for, you are now doing yourself. However I will be supportive as a very dear friend, and be behind you all the way in whatever you achieve in life.
I hope you find the happiness you want and deserve, I hope she looks after you. I don't believe what people say, you aren't a psycho to me.
Long as you got people who care you will never walk alone.
I have a very set frame of mind of thinking, its been like it for years and trying to break it has been very difficult.
Quit disappearing. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it just makes it forget over time. I can not stay attached to someone who is not around, do as you promised to do and stick around for a bit. You are not being replaced, but our years and views on life are so different. You want kids and I don't, thats not gonna fuse nicely together at all.
In real life I'm alone........ Except on the interwebz
Friday, 8 May 2009
It's just a game
Everquest, Guildwars, World of Warcraft, Furcadia, Starcraft, E.V.E, Secondlife, yeah the list goes on really. They are games we all play and true though some of these games, just have us simply killing monsters and grinding for experience points.. Other games are different so different you wonder if its a game at all, because people get upset or get wrapped up in it.
Take the game Secondlife for instance, its made and built by the people who play it. For a lot of players its a place where you can meet up with others all over the world, its a grand social event and you don't have to be yourself. Well you can be yourself but you don't have the usual restraints that society places on you, you could be like me and have no life at all apart from Secondlife.
It's just a game?
I once read that though Secondlife is a game, there are real people behind those avatars. The question was asked where do you draw the line, when those people actually start to get hurt? When they cry over something you done or said, when they hate you or when they laugh with you. Where is the line when its no longer a game, but something a whole lot different?
Okay so let me bring in to the equation a thing a lot of us like to call Roleplay, now I know where the Out of character and In character line is. A lot of roleplayers especially where I roleplay in don't know that line, and I have to admit I have occasionally blurred the line myself.
Why?
You get attached to the people you are interacting with, attached to their characters. Yes its easy to blurr the line when you get OOC pissed at something IC, you're too close to your own character or how their feeling hits your own emotions. I seen it often enough to realise thats when people need to back off, to look at the situation again and remember where the line is. OOC feelings for those who become friends or more also bleed a lot in to roleplay, its no fault of your own it just happens. No one is exempt from getting annoyed or crying over RP, for lashing out over the stupidist little things. If you happen to join a group one that is close-knit like a family, the line continues to blurr as you get more involved and tangled. Issues arise not from the roleplay itself but from the people behind the avatars, at the end of the day you're still dealing with real people.
So it's just a game......
Think again and be careful how you play.
Take the game Secondlife for instance, its made and built by the people who play it. For a lot of players its a place where you can meet up with others all over the world, its a grand social event and you don't have to be yourself. Well you can be yourself but you don't have the usual restraints that society places on you, you could be like me and have no life at all apart from Secondlife.
It's just a game?
I once read that though Secondlife is a game, there are real people behind those avatars. The question was asked where do you draw the line, when those people actually start to get hurt? When they cry over something you done or said, when they hate you or when they laugh with you. Where is the line when its no longer a game, but something a whole lot different?
Okay so let me bring in to the equation a thing a lot of us like to call Roleplay, now I know where the Out of character and In character line is. A lot of roleplayers especially where I roleplay in don't know that line, and I have to admit I have occasionally blurred the line myself.
Why?
You get attached to the people you are interacting with, attached to their characters. Yes its easy to blurr the line when you get OOC pissed at something IC, you're too close to your own character or how their feeling hits your own emotions. I seen it often enough to realise thats when people need to back off, to look at the situation again and remember where the line is. OOC feelings for those who become friends or more also bleed a lot in to roleplay, its no fault of your own it just happens. No one is exempt from getting annoyed or crying over RP, for lashing out over the stupidist little things. If you happen to join a group one that is close-knit like a family, the line continues to blurr as you get more involved and tangled. Issues arise not from the roleplay itself but from the people behind the avatars, at the end of the day you're still dealing with real people.
So it's just a game......
Think again and be careful how you play.
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