Humbug

Its another year and another Christmas, third one without having Mum around. Over the years my parents have always argued, even on Christmas day they argued and never stopped arguing. When the turkey was cooked and all the food out on the table, we sat down to eat as a family along with our grandparents and pleasent conversation.

Even since Mum was taken away from us due to cancer, we no longer decorate or sit down to pretend to be a family for Christmas dinner. There is no longer a sense of togetherness that used to be there, we simply continue to tolerate one anothers presence while getting our stuff and scooting back off. Over the days and months the pain has lessened to a dull ache, there are times when I find myself still able to cry in large amounts over the loss. At such times I will always ask why was a good woman taken, and I was allowed to carry on living to make the others suffer? Is true that good people die before their time, no amount of anyone telling me otherwise I am not good or I would have died and not her.

The void she left is never filled and no matter what is done to fill it; it never lasts, around about December time I fall deeply in to my depression and seek distraction. Its rather pathetic that I still cry and cry over other things, life was so much easier for me when I was emotionally detached from stuff. A year that begins with a funeral I have discovered never tends to be a good year, hence on the 5th January 2009 we cremated my Grampy who died from cancer on the 23rd December 2008...

I would make a New Year's resolution to empower myself more to be myself to be free, to never love again nor allow myself to love and to finish off with telling people what I really want to say. Problem here is that I would break a lot of them as I'm rather scared to tell people what is truely on my mind, especially when it comes to speaking to the person about the matters of the heart and they are the cause.

For instance...

Thank you for always being there, being supportive, for the comfort and for your time. I know you better than most and less than others, but you are an awesome friend that is all you will be no matter my feelings on the subject. As a friend you can only be the best plus benefits (Though not currently due to circumstance), as a lover you are certainly no good for me and will forever cause me pain. However even though you broke my heart and I have repaired the damage to an extent, this has left some aspects of our friendship to be rather difficult for me. You have noticed it but refrain from asking, and I refuse to answer anyway. I grow confused over your actions that when I think I'm over you, I'm thrown for a loop and fall right back down to cry for hours on end as the agony re-asserts itself.

I occasionally grow weary of this power over me, and thus I rebel or do something that is very much like something I would do in order to push you away or exert my freedom. I would like to say this through no fault of your own, I simply should be more careful and go back to being a stone hearted bitch. I should have never broke my own vow in the first place, but a thawed out heart has no control. Alas...

So anyway

Screw fucking Christmas up the arse, roll on the New Year and then Easter. Yes that's right I fucking well hate Valentine's Day too!

Offline

Its a standard thing for me now to be offline and not bothered to come online, when I'm feeling so down in the dumps that to be around people will make me bring them down with me. In such events I will just refuse to be around and go to sleep, yesterdays one was no exception I went to sleep. I was so uptight about open chat that certain things just urked me, in furthering my mood I allowed myself to just slip.

Okay we're all familar with the fact I'm in love, broken hearted etc etc. Only problem is everytime I think I'm on the mend, he does something that makes me melt right back to him. Ah the power of a male who knows just what to say and do... I logged on this morning after sleeping the night away, he logs on and messages me about how he missed me. I told him he worries too much he says he always worries, especially where I am concerned. Gone... Just like that I'm wanting to cry, mostly at the unfairness of it all.

Maybe I should leave the Shadows and cut off communication, as people have told me before I am only hurting myself by continuing being around him. He is a friend after all right? And I love that group with everything I have, but is it really advisiable to be in it considering my own personal hurt?

Maybe I like to remind myself he's not mine never will be, and each time I break down I should just get up again. I will carry on regardless, I am free and most importantly of all.

I
am
me

Same shit different day

Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.

Makes a Blueray sad...

Secret romantic/Dashed hopes

So I say that the single life is fine because I got my Picket who is my onlinesister and my wife online in Secondlife, but in reality I am in fact alone and I feel rather lonely but I'm used to it. And I am used to the fact that it will never change, even if I tried to change something will always go wrong usually on the their side. At the end of the day men are fucking pricks, jerks, arseholes or any other degradorty term you can think of. I think I just mis-spelled but I don't care.

Truth is...

I'm rather sappy and secretly I want someone to love me just as much as I love them, to be snuggled up together on a sofa watching anime or reading books. In the winter months be curled up by an open fire, tangled with one another on a warm rug drinking hot chocolate with marshmellows in it. And I'm tired of being alone but I gave up my heart and had it smashed, so as some people know I'm fixing what got broken but gods he aint making it easy.

Happiness is a floundering thing that I often or not find is hard to keep a grasp on, it slips through my fingers quicker than sand and is gone in an instant. One reason why I love to try and help fix other people, I can't fix myself so I help others and when they no longer need me they move on and I find others to fix. I live for other people, not for myself.

Excerpt of recent conversation:

Blueray says:
*Well its obvious the way things keep going keep messing up, I should stay single have been for years. Its not going to change, its not meant to change and I'm used to it. I only suffered a broken heart once, this is the second time. I'll live and survive and shut up again, because that how I am. I will be Happy being alone, its less hassle and less heartache. You sis you deserve someone to make you feel good, to make you smile every day of the year. If ya get hurt I'm here for you like always

xxxx says:
*I think you're wrong.
*not wrong that you're always here for me but wrong that you think you dont deserve to be happy too. You put yourself down so much and it makes me sad. But really you're wonderful and thats NOT just me being partial. You really are. You're completely selfless you know? You're only happy alone in your mind. It's because you cant get hurt but thats not happy that's playing safe and it's just lonely.
*There are five people out there for everyone. One perfect soul mate and 4 others who are great. You have yet to find any of them. I believe that in my heart.

Blueray says:
*Nicky was great for a while :/ I don't know xxxx I don't like getting carried away, I don't want to keep opening up to get hurt. I'm alone and I'm scared, I just live for everyone else

xxxx says:
*I just want you to be happy and real happy not this charade you put on.
*You need to live for yourself.

Blueray says:
*If I was a little more selfish perhaps

Is it possible one day to have all the little romantic gestures I crave, alone with the absolute happiness that comes with a healthy, loving relationship?

I get too involved with people too fast and actually set myself up for serious falls, I will set my sights on someone and see them run off with someone else. That's life that's how things go, and at the end of things.... Men are shallow. If you don't have the right weight, height, or even facial structure, you don't get a look in and are passed over for that pretty little blonde bimbo with the giant boobs.

You could have the best personality in the world, til men can see what is on the inside as well the outside. People like me are destined to be alone. Born alone, live alone, die alone. Its a lonely fate and I accepted it, til it changes at any point so be it.

I'll be okay - Amanda Marshall

It's time to let you go; it's time to say Goodbye
No more excuses; no more tears to cry
There's been so many changes; I was so confused
All along you were the one; all the time I never knew.

I want you to be happy; you're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now; all that could have been
I'll always have the memories; she'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing; just when you don't want it to

Throw away the chains; Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!

Life passes so quickly, you've got to take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters, you'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching, for what was always there,
Sometimes it will be too late, sometimes it won't be fair.

Throw away the chains, Let love fly away
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!

I won't give up... I won't give in...
I can't re-create what just might have been,
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to return....

Throw away the chains, Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Can't go on forever, baby; I can't go on forever, baby...
Can't go on forever, baby... yeah...; I'll be OK

The shallow, the judgemental, the broken

The world is full of all sorts of people that also cling to the internet, I mean all sorts of people. While we're online we forget that a lot of us proberly aint all that good looking, and a lot of us don't have the same IQ levels as say someone who is intellectual. People do a lot of things they all have different behaviours, but if you never scrape past the surface then you will never know what that person is really like. To judge someone by what they do instead of who they are, that is a crime in itself. Remember ye must not judge unless ye be judged. We're all the same underneath, I urge people to try and learn about one another before making stupid judegements and labeling someone. For all you know they could behave in that way due to some deep seated issue.

I find that out of all things in the human race, men are the most shallow but women can be just as bad. You can when online learn to enjoy someone by their personality alone, but once it comes to the face to face meet thing and they aint a blonde, blue eyed skinny wench they aint wanted anymore. Its a shameful fact of life that this has to happen, you two people can connect in a way without being physically together only for that to crush them. Women are just as bad when it comes to weight, features and cock size, I suppose we are all shallow creatures but hell personality is a must a good body is just a bonus.

~deleted~

You became my whole world, it shattered in front of me. I'm picking up the pieces and putting them back together, slowly but surely I will be alright again I'll be okay. I refuse to go down the same route.... Our paths are different now.

Be happy <3

Songs as a reminder

I'm going to put two songs here, the first is "If you only knew" by Shinedown. A reminder to all those who loved, love still, lost love and let their love go for the better good.

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned

~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
I still on to the letters
You help live and learn


~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

The second song is just one I like to listen when the world seems to crack, a reminder that I am my own person and no one elses. Fallin' apart by All American Rejects

Can somebody save me?
Cus I'm thinking maybe
That yoou can take me piece by piece
Then you got your reasons
But I didn't need them
And either way I'm on my knees yeah

~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change

Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart

You say that you're leavin
Say that you don't need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can't make it through it
But I'm gonna try this anyway

~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change

Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart

Anyone got it where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When my bodies close to me
I can give you anything you'd ever need

When I fall to the floor
Cus I can't feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don't need to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Where ever you are

~Chorus~
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart

Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin

Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart

Yeah I guess we're falling apart
Yeah it looks like we're falling apart
Yeah I guess I'm falling apart