Illness

For the past five months I've been suffering with an ear ache, that has had constant meds in order to fix it but the damn thing still hurts anyway. On top of that I had light headedness and nausea, course this came with the territority of a bad, immflamed eardrum yay! You expect that after a week or two things would have been better but no, the issue went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Its still not all that great now.

Back in June the double vision struck so I went to the opticians they gave me new a prescription and I got new glasses, everything was pretty much fine for a couple of months until... The lightheadedness struck again along with oh look double vision, back to the optician who couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent a letter to my doctor to refere me to a specilist since they can't find anything wrong with me, other tha my terrible vision to start with. (I have to wear glasses all the time now >>)

Over the past few months with the lightheadedness an almost constant, I stepped down as an officer in Archaic Redemption and all but quit roleplaying. I couldn't focus on any of it and I needed to have no admin stuff as it was stressful. Also I kept going back and forth to the doctors with either my ear or complaints about being dizzy and feeling ill. At one point I had proberly stressed myself out so much, I ended up with a tension headache that just wouldn't go away. Yay for that too ><

In the meantime since I haven't been in Secondlife all that much anymore, I took up playing World of Warcraft again just for something to do. For anyone who doesn't like the game good for you that's your choice, I really don't need some immature prick shoving their utter dislike for it down my throat; while not only insulting me for liking for it but also ripping in to the people who play the game. Hey lets not stop there they also continue to rip in to the game itself, and generally insult all players, creators and makers for the sheer fact they don't like this game. If you got any such comments then keep them to yourself, or you will be muted, blocked and ignored for the rest of your life. Respect me and what I like and I will do the same, I don't insult you for what you like or insult the things you like. I always state hey I don't like that its not my thing, and generally leave it at that for there isn't any reason to go any further.

Okay so the doctors have set me up for some appointments one of which, I have just had that was to scan my liver, gall bladder and kidneys to see if they're healthy... Despite my liver functioning a little higher than it should. The other one is later this month which, will be for my eyes to see what is causing my double visison.

All in all I aint been pretty well though generally been able to carry on with my life, its a litte depressing at times to constantly feel like you're gonna pass out or the world is shifting. Since they won't give me anything for it I have to get used to it and carry on, though I got a drawer full of medications now mostly painkillers for my headache.

Can anyone say quack? They should have done more for me by now, but hey you get what you paid for! Free healthcare...

Ugh...

Four or three months ago I had some problems with my ear, and to this day they haven't been sorted out yet. Despite seeing the doctor several times and getting meds, I still have earache and recently started getting double vision and light headedness again. On monday I went to the optician and he said he was going to write to my doctor to have me referred to hospital, as he can't figure out why I'm having double vision. In light of all this I stepped down as an officer in Archiac Redemption, in order to better focus on myself and not the officer work or running the black market.

My ear hurts, my head is weird and I'm once more getting depressed over this uncured condition...

Internet love freeway

[A stupid song I might never finish xD oh well]

Yeah you can't imagine it I'm sure you don't care
That's how it happened, something so damn rare
Who ever heard of meeting someone on a game?
I know it sounds kinda fake and it might be lame
These days I've always got a button to push
I hear his voice over that comm, its such a rush.


Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland

Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real

Pixelated fantasy incoprating vivid emotion
We've got the passion to make our motion
Together we got the roleplay and the flare
Take me down baby that's the meter dare
You already wrote out giving me your heart
I'll give you my soul dear and that's just the start

Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland

Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real

Conversation, used with permission

xxxx: I forget beginnings after a while, but usually am jogged when someone tells about them. The way my brain works, like a computer, things are stored very detailed, but older receive less and less short term memory to bring up, when others remind me they come back.
xxxx: How many years has it been?

Blueray: Like five or something
Blueray: Six maybe

xxxx: At least four or five, I figured five, but my guestimation on such things is usually at least one year off.

Blueray: You wanted to die, if I never messaged you at all you'd be dead...

xxxx: I remember that, I just wasn't sure what started the super-long conversation that it's been.

Blueray: I may not be very talkative these days, I've had a tough time over the last few years

xxxx: I've definitely grown out and away from that kind of thinking. I remember it though sometimes.

Blueray: I'm glad

xxxx: Thanks Ru.

Blueray: You're welcome
~~~~
xxxx: I believe your four year cycle of the deathening is relatively what I've experienced earlier though, death on death on death without enough time between to recover, gets you numb, makes you lose parts you want back.
xxxx: Generally you mend, people around you help you do that, sometimes do it for you if you can't. It takes time.
xxxx: The worst parts may never leave, but you eventually get to a point you can live and go on with them, with you.

Blueray: I always just carry on

xxxx: Heh, heh, I only say it because I figure something in it will help, you're more than welcome to throw it back and call it all horse shit if it's your way.
xxxx: I guess aside from not being able to help myself a ton I have it concrete in my mind I can help fix people even if just a small piece.

Blueray: Someone once said they had it easy they had three deaths in one year and then no more for years on end, it was easier for them to get over the loss. I haven't had the time at all its been one after the after, fuck I miss my mum so much as it is. I think thats why I'm with Caia cos I want something to actually work and go right for once, its not going right at all and he just seems to want to fuck. Like the words "I love you" are some sort of chains, and I don't know what to do. I can  help everyone else, but I'm getting more and more lost

xxxx: Yeaaah. I don't use  the love you's lightly at all, why I can't say it if I can't mean it. Hate people that use words so lightly.
xxxx: When things are worst, I close up, not in the bad complete way, but I take a break, cut ties that don't help me, help me, even if only temporarilly. When I spend time by myself (mind you the depression can get at you just as easily, so might have to spend time around people a lot too... depends on person) I find that I heal more quickly and am generally more at peace. When I do spend time with people whilst being in the hellzone they're core people that I trust, best friends that you know won't randomly wound you kind of thing, family like that too.

Blueray: I'd rather just shut myself away from all the pain and hurt, its easier that way

Slaves and Pets

Okay I get it some women love to be submissive, told what to do, bossed about, walked all over etc. There are others who just have no spine, allow themselves to be collared in SL cos they don't know how to stand up for themselves. Some the last few are just lazy they don't want to work at a relationship, they just want to be told what to do and that's final.

I don't mind slaves after being around Nalen and learning about Gor (Good and bad mind you), I found that a lot of slaves are really nice, fun even witty and intelligent. They just love that sort of lifestyle. Myself I will never get in to it, I refuse to be ordered around by men.

Men don't own women they aren't even better than us, because most of them are some sort of shithead. Quit trying to go around collecting a harem of pets, any of you you're all starting to piss me the fuck off.

So to all you women out there... If you love it great quit shoving it in my face though, I'm open minded but it doesn't mean I gotta like it. If you are spineless get a fucking spine, quit being so submissive and tell the guy where to fuck off to. Hopefully off a damn cliff! If you're lazy good for you but relationships take two, and they are best when everything is equal. Take some responsibility for yourself for once, and WORK at it or its really just not worth it at all.

To all the Gorean men who think every woman be they Gorean or not is beneath them and inferior - If you are not on a Gor sim the women are not collarable in any fashion or any way, they are free to make the decision for themselves if your worthless hide is worthy of such a privilage. If you are on an RP sim that is not Gorean then do not continously dodge the attacks of women, or even belittle them and declare them useless because they are female. You are breaking RP equitete and you are being a fucking dumbshit asshole, it really pisses me off when some shithead man thinks he's so awesome cos he's a so called fucking Master. If your character is human going against a female demon, the female demon will get attacks that HIT and she will WIN. Demons are superior to humans regardless of gender, you're an arrogant sexist pig go the fuck back to your stupid Gorean fucking sim. FUCKER!

I'm done ranting now ^^

Blueray drama and her drama llhama

I've been told before that if you got a lot of deaths all in one go, it is easier to get over them and recover over time. Rather than have one to begin recovery, to have another and start the process again to be smacked by a third. Now I never went to the funerals of my grandparents on my dad's side, because at the time I knew I wouldn't be able to cope at all.

However I went to the three funerals that happened on my mum's side, though I never really show how deep my unstability is; it is there all the same. Ah the joys of being emotionally detached are no longer mine, and gods I do wish I could return to such a state.

Oct 21st 2006 - Mum passed away from Cancer. Dec 23rd 2008 - Grampy passed away from Caner. Feb 9th 2010 - Nana passed away from a heart attack.

Feb 2009 - Blueray has an emotional breakdown, mostly due to stress of being over-worked and undermined.

Oh look its March now and I have another one, so yay go me and I break down completely. I've sort of been ex-communicated for now from people in order to "get better", or in my opinion its to "shove my depression" back in to its usual confines and carry on. On the upside its easier to hide depression when the bottle is a bigger and can hold more, I have been told that time will make it smaller and less able to hold things in.

Does this mean then that once a year I am gonna go BOOM, cos I over-filled my bottle and it couldn't cope anymore?

I feel rather lame and disgusted at myself for even getting to this point, there has been a lot going on. I don't tend to talk about it even when prodded I just shut off, and I never speak what I feel because its easier than being hurt even though its obvious I'm going nuts with it. For instance a whole storm went down at a sim, lots of angry voices and drama and stress, we all talked about that because it was a common thing for us to share. On the other hand I had some stuff going on mostly on the emotional side and connected to the foul thing called a heart which, did not help at all with all the other things that had been going on. Hence boom.

I prefer to bottle up rather than talk or let out, or do what I normally do when things are too much. My closest friends have enough trouble getting anything out of me when I'm in the dumps, seriously just ask them they have to poke and prod til I give and just spill the beans. I suppose that's why I can write things in a journal, because its never to their face or erm IM box nor does it mention any names. No sources for love, hurt, drama, pain, jealousy and other various nounces that make up my pitiful human psyché.

Messages:

Yes I'm a bitter person...

Yes I don't like many people, yet can be the cyber social butterfly.

I will continue to live for friends, no matter how hard I try I can not find a reason to live for myself.

I can't fix myself.

I can fix everyone else.

I don't think anyone in my entire life can hurt me so much without meaning to, and still manage to be kept around simply because I can not do without you. (I've now deleted this twice and re-wrote it)

Keeping silence is the best thing to do, no matter how I feel about people telling them would make them run. I would rather keep them as friends and close to me, rather than have them walk out completely because I revealed my heart.

Pain hurts I deal with it.

Never let him go, once you do you lost him.

End venting/rant.

Birthday hehehe

Oh my god thank you so much to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday yesterday, you all know who you are and I love you all. Also thank you to my Picket for arranging a party in Secondlife, we even had a dj so dancing and music.

I also got on Secondlife a bunch of stuff and monies to spend to get more stuff, I couldn't have asked for a better birthday

❤