Blueray drama and her drama llhama

I've been told before that if you got a lot of deaths all in one go, it is easier to get over them and recover over time. Rather than have one to begin recovery, to have another and start the process again to be smacked by a third. Now I never went to the funerals of my grandparents on my dad's side, because at the time I knew I wouldn't be able to cope at all.

However I went to the three funerals that happened on my mum's side, though I never really show how deep my unstability is; it is there all the same. Ah the joys of being emotionally detached are no longer mine, and gods I do wish I could return to such a state.

Oct 21st 2006 - Mum passed away from Cancer. Dec 23rd 2008 - Grampy passed away from Caner. Feb 9th 2010 - Nana passed away from a heart attack.

Feb 2009 - Blueray has an emotional breakdown, mostly due to stress of being over-worked and undermined.

Oh look its March now and I have another one, so yay go me and I break down completely. I've sort of been ex-communicated for now from people in order to "get better", or in my opinion its to "shove my depression" back in to its usual confines and carry on. On the upside its easier to hide depression when the bottle is a bigger and can hold more, I have been told that time will make it smaller and less able to hold things in.

Does this mean then that once a year I am gonna go BOOM, cos I over-filled my bottle and it couldn't cope anymore?

I feel rather lame and disgusted at myself for even getting to this point, there has been a lot going on. I don't tend to talk about it even when prodded I just shut off, and I never speak what I feel because its easier than being hurt even though its obvious I'm going nuts with it. For instance a whole storm went down at a sim, lots of angry voices and drama and stress, we all talked about that because it was a common thing for us to share. On the other hand I had some stuff going on mostly on the emotional side and connected to the foul thing called a heart which, did not help at all with all the other things that had been going on. Hence boom.

I prefer to bottle up rather than talk or let out, or do what I normally do when things are too much. My closest friends have enough trouble getting anything out of me when I'm in the dumps, seriously just ask them they have to poke and prod til I give and just spill the beans. I suppose that's why I can write things in a journal, because its never to their face or erm IM box nor does it mention any names. No sources for love, hurt, drama, pain, jealousy and other various nounces that make up my pitiful human psyché.

Messages:

Yes I'm a bitter person...

Yes I don't like many people, yet can be the cyber social butterfly.

I will continue to live for friends, no matter how hard I try I can not find a reason to live for myself.

I can't fix myself.

I can fix everyone else.

I don't think anyone in my entire life can hurt me so much without meaning to, and still manage to be kept around simply because I can not do without you. (I've now deleted this twice and re-wrote it)

Keeping silence is the best thing to do, no matter how I feel about people telling them would make them run. I would rather keep them as friends and close to me, rather than have them walk out completely because I revealed my heart.

Pain hurts I deal with it.

Never let him go, once you do you lost him.

End venting/rant.