About a month ago a pain in my left side just under the ribcage started, okay nothing to it must be a pulled muscle. Two weeks later the pain was still there so I went to see the doctor, I saw the nurse first and they said it was colic. Take some pills it will be fine in a week...
A week later the pain was still there so back to the doctor I go, the pain had decided to spread to my lower abdomen and there was a sore place on my right. I was told it was nothing more than a stomach issue, take these pills and go home.
Third week in I'm still in pain my movement has become less and less, as too much moving around tends to set off the pain from an ache to stabbing. Once more I go to the doctor I was told its acid, take some indigestion tablets and come back if its not settled... Another week passes I go in again and again I was told its acid, given some pills and told to take them for a week or two. I even pointed out that I had some caffiene just the once during all this time, and it caused me a lot of agony even giving me some breathing problems. I was assured that caffiene was unable to cause such a reaction, the pain was now in both sides and spread to my lower back.
Fourth week which was this week to be precise I got my appointment, made it a point to see a completely different doctor. By this time I have become unable to walk from home to town to home again, without suffering a great deal of pain from my sides, lower back and occasionally my lower abdomen. Finally I was told it might be gallstones and that they asked me to be booked in for a scan, sure I have to wait for six to eight weeks for it but I'm finally getting somewhere. Recently though the sore part on my right tends to act up on its own, my diet now consists of my usual breakfast of cheerios but I'm now eating more rice. As rice is good at keeping the attacks down so I don't get those aweful cramps like I did one morning, the pain is still in the various places but sometimes can be felt in between my shoulder blades.
There's one other thing I won't mention here but its safe its not normal, safe to say my roleplay has been cut down upon specially after I really started to get in to Fallen - City of Charm. Still unable to walk around or do much which, is not only frustrating to me but to my family too. As I have a harder time now cleaning the house and doing my regular chores, even my boyfriend has to be a little more careful with me than usual. Thank fuck he came to visit me, I was getting really down recently. There you have it... I wish I could stay healthy for longer than three bloody months, would be nice.
On the upside though I got discharged from my eye doctor, as my double vision has almost cleared up and my eye muscles are looking loads better than before. Gotta have something to be thankful for.
Thursday 17 May 2012
Sunday 30 October 2011
Random thoughts
Evil: The perception of evil has always been this, what is deemed wrong is wrong and what is deemed good is good. What if evil believes it is good and doing what it thinks is right? Evil as we're often told is perception, it goes against our society and laws, it has no actual boundries. Its just plain not right. I got to thinking at one point about Hitler, his racial hatred and how he not only attempted to eradicate an entire type of people but make his own super race. Now the question begs did he see the wrongs of the world, then considered to wipe out not just the Jews but the entire human race? Once the world was cleansed would his new race of better humans take over? If he saw his actions as good for the betterment of humans, its no wonder he commited mass murder on the largest scale possible. You can't make a new race with making a hell of a lot sacrifices. I once read that when he was a boy he fell off his raft, he was pulled out of the water by the Angel of Death. It told him that for him it would be the Angel of Life, I don't really delve too much in to some fairy tale fantasy he may have whipped up. Sometimes I think we need to think outside our own box that society has placed upon us, one day someone will come along just like Hitler and succede where he failed. Evil that thinks its good. Think about it.
Master/Mistress/Slave/Pet: The term Master is now so far from its original meaning its askewed to the point, it means a hell a lot different than what it used to. In the UK any boy under the age of sixteen is called Master, once they become sixteen its then Mister. Also the title of Master was usually given to the man of the household, he was the breadmaker, paid the wages of his servants, and his wife was often called Ma'am. He owned the house, he owned everything in it, he was the Master of the house. Now the word is used for those who own slaves and pets...
Mistress was only ever given to a woman who was the bit on the side for a married man, if the man was married and sleeping around with another woman she was the Mistress not the wife. The term is also given if the woman is head of her own house, where there is normally a Master she would be the Mistress. These days its connected to Dominatrix and its old meaning left behind somewhere in the gutter.
Slave was the term given to people sold in to slavery, they had no wages as they were forced to work for free. Often were chained together and chained at night to stop them escaping. Today of course its a different meaning, a slave can either be someone forced in to being owned or someone who just wants someone else to do all the relationship work for them. Some slaves actually love to serve, to make their owner happy, and to just be what their gender in days past dictated they should be. We have a genetic evolution for a reason, people should stop throwing themselves backwards and stand up for once. Here I must say that sometimes its not like that at all, its about giving yourself over completely to someone you love and trust, that they will love you, protect you, guard you, and give you back as much as you offer to them. In this fashion I sometimes call my partner Master, okay Picket might growl at that but its not collar and leash its still equal he doesn't own me. I just chose to let him have all of me all that I am, I submit to him (I've only ever submitted to one other) and I haven't regretted it once not at all. Besides if you think about it a wedding ring is a collar of sorts, it binds two people in a ceremony.
The pet is much like the slave there's not much difference but pets are often willing to throw themselves in to collars, mostly because they don't know how to behave on their own sexually and need to be dominated. This complete submission not only smacks of lack of will, but 50% of them can't even think for themselves. I've met some smart pets though, and those same ones often stand up for themselves when pushed.
Love: I have felt love before at least I think I have, but never to this degree and never forsaking all others. My only desire is him, my only want is him, my only need is him. In so short a time I have given myself to him, made him my world and can't seem to get enough of him. That after we've seen eachother physically I'm often at a loss what to do with myself, as a part of me feels empty that he seems to fill and I never thought that hole of my soul could ever be filled. Love is wonderful its made me happy and less depressed, it also feels like a kick in the teeth at times.
Master/Mistress/Slave/Pet: The term Master is now so far from its original meaning its askewed to the point, it means a hell a lot different than what it used to. In the UK any boy under the age of sixteen is called Master, once they become sixteen its then Mister. Also the title of Master was usually given to the man of the household, he was the breadmaker, paid the wages of his servants, and his wife was often called Ma'am. He owned the house, he owned everything in it, he was the Master of the house. Now the word is used for those who own slaves and pets...
Mistress was only ever given to a woman who was the bit on the side for a married man, if the man was married and sleeping around with another woman she was the Mistress not the wife. The term is also given if the woman is head of her own house, where there is normally a Master she would be the Mistress. These days its connected to Dominatrix and its old meaning left behind somewhere in the gutter.
Slave was the term given to people sold in to slavery, they had no wages as they were forced to work for free. Often were chained together and chained at night to stop them escaping. Today of course its a different meaning, a slave can either be someone forced in to being owned or someone who just wants someone else to do all the relationship work for them. Some slaves actually love to serve, to make their owner happy, and to just be what their gender in days past dictated they should be. We have a genetic evolution for a reason, people should stop throwing themselves backwards and stand up for once. Here I must say that sometimes its not like that at all, its about giving yourself over completely to someone you love and trust, that they will love you, protect you, guard you, and give you back as much as you offer to them. In this fashion I sometimes call my partner Master, okay Picket might growl at that but its not collar and leash its still equal he doesn't own me. I just chose to let him have all of me all that I am, I submit to him (I've only ever submitted to one other) and I haven't regretted it once not at all. Besides if you think about it a wedding ring is a collar of sorts, it binds two people in a ceremony.
The pet is much like the slave there's not much difference but pets are often willing to throw themselves in to collars, mostly because they don't know how to behave on their own sexually and need to be dominated. This complete submission not only smacks of lack of will, but 50% of them can't even think for themselves. I've met some smart pets though, and those same ones often stand up for themselves when pushed.
Love: I have felt love before at least I think I have, but never to this degree and never forsaking all others. My only desire is him, my only want is him, my only need is him. In so short a time I have given myself to him, made him my world and can't seem to get enough of him. That after we've seen eachother physically I'm often at a loss what to do with myself, as a part of me feels empty that he seems to fill and I never thought that hole of my soul could ever be filled. Love is wonderful its made me happy and less depressed, it also feels like a kick in the teeth at times.
Monday 10 October 2011
Illness
For the past five months I've been suffering with an ear ache, that has
had constant meds in order to fix it but the damn thing still hurts
anyway. On top of that I had light headedness and nausea, course this
came with the territority of a bad, immflamed eardrum yay! You expect
that after a week or two things would have been better but no, the issue
went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
Its still not all that great now.
Back in June the double vision struck so I went to the opticians they gave me new a prescription and I got new glasses, everything was pretty much fine for a couple of months until... The lightheadedness struck again along with oh look double vision, back to the optician who couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent a letter to my doctor to refere me to a specilist since they can't find anything wrong with me, other tha my terrible vision to start with. (I have to wear glasses all the time now >>)
Over the past few months with the lightheadedness an almost constant, I stepped down as an officer in Archaic Redemption and all but quit roleplaying. I couldn't focus on any of it and I needed to have no admin stuff as it was stressful. Also I kept going back and forth to the doctors with either my ear or complaints about being dizzy and feeling ill. At one point I had proberly stressed myself out so much, I ended up with a tension headache that just wouldn't go away. Yay for that too ><
In the meantime since I haven't been in Secondlife all that much anymore, I took up playing World of Warcraft again just for something to do. For anyone who doesn't like the game good for you that's your choice, I really don't need some immature prick shoving their utter dislike for it down my throat; while not only insulting me for liking for it but also ripping in to the people who play the game. Hey lets not stop there they also continue to rip in to the game itself, and generally insult all players, creators and makers for the sheer fact they don't like this game. If you got any such comments then keep them to yourself, or you will be muted, blocked and ignored for the rest of your life. Respect me and what I like and I will do the same, I don't insult you for what you like or insult the things you like. I always state hey I don't like that its not my thing, and generally leave it at that for there isn't any reason to go any further.
Okay so the doctors have set me up for some appointments one of which, I have just had that was to scan my liver, gall bladder and kidneys to see if they're healthy... Despite my liver functioning a little higher than it should. The other one is later this month which, will be for my eyes to see what is causing my double visison.
All in all I aint been pretty well though generally been able to carry on with my life, its a litte depressing at times to constantly feel like you're gonna pass out or the world is shifting. Since they won't give me anything for it I have to get used to it and carry on, though I got a drawer full of medications now mostly painkillers for my headache.
Can anyone say quack? They should have done more for me by now, but hey you get what you paid for! Free healthcare...
Back in June the double vision struck so I went to the opticians they gave me new a prescription and I got new glasses, everything was pretty much fine for a couple of months until... The lightheadedness struck again along with oh look double vision, back to the optician who couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent a letter to my doctor to refere me to a specilist since they can't find anything wrong with me, other tha my terrible vision to start with. (I have to wear glasses all the time now >>)
Over the past few months with the lightheadedness an almost constant, I stepped down as an officer in Archaic Redemption and all but quit roleplaying. I couldn't focus on any of it and I needed to have no admin stuff as it was stressful. Also I kept going back and forth to the doctors with either my ear or complaints about being dizzy and feeling ill. At one point I had proberly stressed myself out so much, I ended up with a tension headache that just wouldn't go away. Yay for that too ><
In the meantime since I haven't been in Secondlife all that much anymore, I took up playing World of Warcraft again just for something to do. For anyone who doesn't like the game good for you that's your choice, I really don't need some immature prick shoving their utter dislike for it down my throat; while not only insulting me for liking for it but also ripping in to the people who play the game. Hey lets not stop there they also continue to rip in to the game itself, and generally insult all players, creators and makers for the sheer fact they don't like this game. If you got any such comments then keep them to yourself, or you will be muted, blocked and ignored for the rest of your life. Respect me and what I like and I will do the same, I don't insult you for what you like or insult the things you like. I always state hey I don't like that its not my thing, and generally leave it at that for there isn't any reason to go any further.
Okay so the doctors have set me up for some appointments one of which, I have just had that was to scan my liver, gall bladder and kidneys to see if they're healthy... Despite my liver functioning a little higher than it should. The other one is later this month which, will be for my eyes to see what is causing my double visison.
All in all I aint been pretty well though generally been able to carry on with my life, its a litte depressing at times to constantly feel like you're gonna pass out or the world is shifting. Since they won't give me anything for it I have to get used to it and carry on, though I got a drawer full of medications now mostly painkillers for my headache.
Can anyone say quack? They should have done more for me by now, but hey you get what you paid for! Free healthcare...
Saturday 10 September 2011
Ugh...
Four or three months ago I had some problems with my ear, and to this day they haven't been sorted out yet. Despite seeing the doctor several times and getting meds, I still have earache and recently started getting double vision and light headedness again. On monday I went to the optician and he said he was going to write to my doctor to have me referred to hospital, as he can't figure out why I'm having double vision. In light of all this I stepped down as an officer in Archiac Redemption, in order to better focus on myself and not the officer work or running the black market.
My ear hurts, my head is weird and I'm once more getting depressed over this uncured condition...
My ear hurts, my head is weird and I'm once more getting depressed over this uncured condition...
Thursday 26 May 2011
Internet love freeway
[A stupid song I might never finish xD oh well]
Yeah you can't imagine it I'm sure you don't care
That's how it happened, something so damn rare
Who ever heard of meeting someone on a game?
I know it sounds kinda fake and it might be lame
These days I've always got a button to push
I hear his voice over that comm, its such a rush.
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Pixelated fantasy incoprating vivid emotion
We've got the passion to make our motion
Together we got the roleplay and the flare
Take me down baby that's the meter dare
You already wrote out giving me your heart
I'll give you my soul dear and that's just the start
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Yeah you can't imagine it I'm sure you don't care
That's how it happened, something so damn rare
Who ever heard of meeting someone on a game?
I know it sounds kinda fake and it might be lame
These days I've always got a button to push
I hear his voice over that comm, its such a rush.
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Pixelated fantasy incoprating vivid emotion
We've got the passion to make our motion
Together we got the roleplay and the flare
Take me down baby that's the meter dare
You already wrote out giving me your heart
I'll give you my soul dear and that's just the start
Chorus:
I found love on the internet freeway
Stepping up and in to line today
Super fast with fibreoptic broadband
I'm just one click away from cyberland
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Virtual love can be real
Sunday 3 October 2010
Conversation, used with permission
xxxx: I forget beginnings after a while, but usually am jogged when someone tells about them. The way my brain works, like a computer, things are stored very detailed, but older receive less and less short term memory to bring up, when others remind me they come back.
xxxx: How many years has it been?
Blueray: Like five or something
Blueray: Six maybe
xxxx: At least four or five, I figured five, but my guestimation on such things is usually at least one year off.
Blueray: You wanted to die, if I never messaged you at all you'd be dead...
xxxx: I remember that, I just wasn't sure what started the super-long conversation that it's been.
Blueray: I may not be very talkative these days, I've had a tough time over the last few years
xxxx: I've definitely grown out and away from that kind of thinking. I remember it though sometimes.
Blueray: I'm glad
xxxx: Thanks Ru.
Blueray: You're welcome
~~~~
xxxx: I believe your four year cycle of the deathening is relatively what I've experienced earlier though, death on death on death without enough time between to recover, gets you numb, makes you lose parts you want back.
xxxx: Generally you mend, people around you help you do that, sometimes do it for you if you can't. It takes time.
xxxx: The worst parts may never leave, but you eventually get to a point you can live and go on with them, with you.
Blueray: I always just carry on
xxxx: Heh, heh, I only say it because I figure something in it will help, you're more than welcome to throw it back and call it all horse shit if it's your way.
xxxx: I guess aside from not being able to help myself a ton I have it concrete in my mind I can help fix people even if just a small piece.
Blueray: Someone once said they had it easy they had three deaths in one year and then no more for years on end, it was easier for them to get over the loss. I haven't had the time at all its been one after the after, fuck I miss my mum so much as it is. I think thats why I'm with Caia cos I want something to actually work and go right for once, its not going right at all and he just seems to want to fuck. Like the words "I love you" are some sort of chains, and I don't know what to do. I can help everyone else, but I'm getting more and more lost
xxxx: Yeaaah. I don't use the love you's lightly at all, why I can't say it if I can't mean it. Hate people that use words so lightly.
xxxx: When things are worst, I close up, not in the bad complete way, but I take a break, cut ties that don't help me, help me, even if only temporarilly. When I spend time by myself (mind you the depression can get at you just as easily, so might have to spend time around people a lot too... depends on person) I find that I heal more quickly and am generally more at peace. When I do spend time with people whilst being in the hellzone they're core people that I trust, best friends that you know won't randomly wound you kind of thing, family like that too.
Blueray: I'd rather just shut myself away from all the pain and hurt, its easier that way
xxxx: How many years has it been?
Blueray: Like five or something
Blueray: Six maybe
xxxx: At least four or five, I figured five, but my guestimation on such things is usually at least one year off.
Blueray: You wanted to die, if I never messaged you at all you'd be dead...
xxxx: I remember that, I just wasn't sure what started the super-long conversation that it's been.
Blueray: I may not be very talkative these days, I've had a tough time over the last few years
xxxx: I've definitely grown out and away from that kind of thinking. I remember it though sometimes.
Blueray: I'm glad
xxxx: Thanks Ru.
Blueray: You're welcome
~~~~
xxxx: I believe your four year cycle of the deathening is relatively what I've experienced earlier though, death on death on death without enough time between to recover, gets you numb, makes you lose parts you want back.
xxxx: Generally you mend, people around you help you do that, sometimes do it for you if you can't. It takes time.
xxxx: The worst parts may never leave, but you eventually get to a point you can live and go on with them, with you.
Blueray: I always just carry on
xxxx: Heh, heh, I only say it because I figure something in it will help, you're more than welcome to throw it back and call it all horse shit if it's your way.
xxxx: I guess aside from not being able to help myself a ton I have it concrete in my mind I can help fix people even if just a small piece.
Blueray: Someone once said they had it easy they had three deaths in one year and then no more for years on end, it was easier for them to get over the loss. I haven't had the time at all its been one after the after, fuck I miss my mum so much as it is. I think thats why I'm with Caia cos I want something to actually work and go right for once, its not going right at all and he just seems to want to fuck. Like the words "I love you" are some sort of chains, and I don't know what to do. I can help everyone else, but I'm getting more and more lost
xxxx: Yeaaah. I don't use the love you's lightly at all, why I can't say it if I can't mean it. Hate people that use words so lightly.
xxxx: When things are worst, I close up, not in the bad complete way, but I take a break, cut ties that don't help me, help me, even if only temporarilly. When I spend time by myself (mind you the depression can get at you just as easily, so might have to spend time around people a lot too... depends on person) I find that I heal more quickly and am generally more at peace. When I do spend time with people whilst being in the hellzone they're core people that I trust, best friends that you know won't randomly wound you kind of thing, family like that too.
Blueray: I'd rather just shut myself away from all the pain and hurt, its easier that way
Thursday 23 September 2010
Slaves and Pets
Okay I get it some women love to be submissive, told what to do, bossed about, walked all over etc. There are others who just have no spine, allow themselves to be collared in SL cos they don't know how to stand up for themselves. Some the last few are just lazy they don't want to work at a relationship, they just want to be told what to do and that's final.
I don't mind slaves after being around Nalen and learning about Gor (Good and bad mind you), I found that a lot of slaves are really nice, fun even witty and intelligent. They just love that sort of lifestyle. Myself I will never get in to it, I refuse to be ordered around by men.
Men don't own women they aren't even better than us, because most of them are some sort of shithead. Quit trying to go around collecting a harem of pets, any of you you're all starting to piss me the fuck off.
So to all you women out there... If you love it great quit shoving it in my face though, I'm open minded but it doesn't mean I gotta like it. If you are spineless get a fucking spine, quit being so submissive and tell the guy where to fuck off to. Hopefully off a damn cliff! If you're lazy good for you but relationships take two, and they are best when everything is equal. Take some responsibility for yourself for once, and WORK at it or its really just not worth it at all.
To all the Gorean men who think every woman be they Gorean or not is beneath them and inferior - If you are not on a Gor sim the women are not collarable in any fashion or any way, they are free to make the decision for themselves if your worthless hide is worthy of such a privilage. If you are on an RP sim that is not Gorean then do not continously dodge the attacks of women, or even belittle them and declare them useless because they are female. You are breaking RP equitete and you are being a fucking dumbshit asshole, it really pisses me off when some shithead man thinks he's so awesome cos he's a so called fucking Master. If your character is human going against a female demon, the female demon will get attacks that HIT and she will WIN. Demons are superior to humans regardless of gender, you're an arrogant sexist pig go the fuck back to your stupid Gorean fucking sim. FUCKER!
I'm done ranting now ^^
I don't mind slaves after being around Nalen and learning about Gor (Good and bad mind you), I found that a lot of slaves are really nice, fun even witty and intelligent. They just love that sort of lifestyle. Myself I will never get in to it, I refuse to be ordered around by men.
Men don't own women they aren't even better than us, because most of them are some sort of shithead. Quit trying to go around collecting a harem of pets, any of you you're all starting to piss me the fuck off.
So to all you women out there... If you love it great quit shoving it in my face though, I'm open minded but it doesn't mean I gotta like it. If you are spineless get a fucking spine, quit being so submissive and tell the guy where to fuck off to. Hopefully off a damn cliff! If you're lazy good for you but relationships take two, and they are best when everything is equal. Take some responsibility for yourself for once, and WORK at it or its really just not worth it at all.
To all the Gorean men who think every woman be they Gorean or not is beneath them and inferior - If you are not on a Gor sim the women are not collarable in any fashion or any way, they are free to make the decision for themselves if your worthless hide is worthy of such a privilage. If you are on an RP sim that is not Gorean then do not continously dodge the attacks of women, or even belittle them and declare them useless because they are female. You are breaking RP equitete and you are being a fucking dumbshit asshole, it really pisses me off when some shithead man thinks he's so awesome cos he's a so called fucking Master. If your character is human going against a female demon, the female demon will get attacks that HIT and she will WIN. Demons are superior to humans regardless of gender, you're an arrogant sexist pig go the fuck back to your stupid Gorean fucking sim. FUCKER!
I'm done ranting now ^^
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