Sunday, 3 October 2010

Conversation, used with permission

xxxx: I forget beginnings after a while, but usually am jogged when someone tells about them. The way my brain works, like a computer, things are stored very detailed, but older receive less and less short term memory to bring up, when others remind me they come back.
xxxx: How many years has it been?

Blueray: Like five or something
Blueray: Six maybe

xxxx: At least four or five, I figured five, but my guestimation on such things is usually at least one year off.

Blueray: You wanted to die, if I never messaged you at all you'd be dead...

xxxx: I remember that, I just wasn't sure what started the super-long conversation that it's been.

Blueray: I may not be very talkative these days, I've had a tough time over the last few years

xxxx: I've definitely grown out and away from that kind of thinking. I remember it though sometimes.

Blueray: I'm glad

xxxx: Thanks Ru.

Blueray: You're welcome
~~~~
xxxx: I believe your four year cycle of the deathening is relatively what I've experienced earlier though, death on death on death without enough time between to recover, gets you numb, makes you lose parts you want back.
xxxx: Generally you mend, people around you help you do that, sometimes do it for you if you can't. It takes time.
xxxx: The worst parts may never leave, but you eventually get to a point you can live and go on with them, with you.

Blueray: I always just carry on

xxxx: Heh, heh, I only say it because I figure something in it will help, you're more than welcome to throw it back and call it all horse shit if it's your way.
xxxx: I guess aside from not being able to help myself a ton I have it concrete in my mind I can help fix people even if just a small piece.

Blueray: Someone once said they had it easy they had three deaths in one year and then no more for years on end, it was easier for them to get over the loss. I haven't had the time at all its been one after the after, fuck I miss my mum so much as it is. I think thats why I'm with Caia cos I want something to actually work and go right for once, its not going right at all and he just seems to want to fuck. Like the words "I love you" are some sort of chains, and I don't know what to do. I can  help everyone else, but I'm getting more and more lost

xxxx: Yeaaah. I don't use  the love you's lightly at all, why I can't say it if I can't mean it. Hate people that use words so lightly.
xxxx: When things are worst, I close up, not in the bad complete way, but I take a break, cut ties that don't help me, help me, even if only temporarilly. When I spend time by myself (mind you the depression can get at you just as easily, so might have to spend time around people a lot too... depends on person) I find that I heal more quickly and am generally more at peace. When I do spend time with people whilst being in the hellzone they're core people that I trust, best friends that you know won't randomly wound you kind of thing, family like that too.

Blueray: I'd rather just shut myself away from all the pain and hurt, its easier that way

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