I try to make it through my life
In my way
There's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, Deal with it
You try to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
I try to make you see my side
I Always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting tired of this shit
I got no room when it's like this
But you order me
just deal with it!
So
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
[Cello Solo]
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
[Piano Solo]
If you were or dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
(If you won't be there for me, You won't be there for me)
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
(You won't be there for me)
I don't care
At all
~~~~~~
Here I go, Driving by your house
Might as well throw some rocks at your window
Yeah But you don't seem to care, or maybe your not there
Probably out with someone else tryin' to keep in on the down low
Just so you know
I'm not taking this so well
Since I've been alone
I've learned how to...
Cuss you out in Japanese
Organize my dvd's
Play solitaire again...and I
Hear that your doing fine
Smiling all the time
But you really rub it in...when you say you're over me
And you wanna be...just friends
Hey what about the promise that you made to me
That we'd always be together and you'd be there
Everyday I wake up
I found a box of notes you wrote
each one signed with x and o's
And b.s. - like I love you we're never gonna brake up
Just so you know
I'm not taking this so well
Now that I'm alone
I've had time to...
Cuss you out in Japanese
Organize my dvd's
Smash my sister's violin...and I
Hear that your doing fine
Smiling all the time
But you really rub it in...when you say you're over me
And you wanna be...just friends
Here I go again...
I really miss you now it's time to
Beg pretty please I'm
Pouring on the cheese
My heart may never mend
And I've punched holes in all my walls
Closed down all the malls
Smashed my sisters violin...and I
Hung our picture by the bed
You're still living in my head
At least I can pretend...that you're not over me
Cause I can't be...Just Friends
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Humbug
Its another year and another Christmas, third one without having Mum around. Over the years my parents have always argued, even on Christmas day they argued and never stopped arguing. When the turkey was cooked and all the food out on the table, we sat down to eat as a family along with our grandparents and pleasent conversation.
Even since Mum was taken away from us due to cancer, we no longer decorate or sit down to pretend to be a family for Christmas dinner. There is no longer a sense of togetherness that used to be there, we simply continue to tolerate one anothers presence while getting our stuff and scooting back off. Over the days and months the pain has lessened to a dull ache, there are times when I find myself still able to cry in large amounts over the loss. At such times I will always ask why was a good woman taken, and I was allowed to carry on living to make the others suffer? Is true that good people die before their time, no amount of anyone telling me otherwise I am not good or I would have died and not her.
The void she left is never filled and no matter what is done to fill it; it never lasts, around about December time I fall deeply in to my depression and seek distraction. Its rather pathetic that I still cry and cry over other things, life was so much easier for me when I was emotionally detached from stuff. A year that begins with a funeral I have discovered never tends to be a good year, hence on the 5th January 2009 we cremated my Grampy who died from cancer on the 23rd December 2008...
I would make a New Year's resolution to empower myself more to be myself to be free, to never love again nor allow myself to love and to finish off with telling people what I really want to say. Problem here is that I would break a lot of them as I'm rather scared to tell people what is truely on my mind, especially when it comes to speaking to the person about the matters of the heart and they are the cause.
For instance...
Thank you for always being there, being supportive, for the comfort and for your time. I know you better than most and less than others, but you are an awesome friend that is all you will be no matter my feelings on the subject. As a friend you can only be the best plus benefits (Though not currently due to circumstance), as a lover you are certainly no good for me and will forever cause me pain. However even though you broke my heart and I have repaired the damage to an extent, this has left some aspects of our friendship to be rather difficult for me. You have noticed it but refrain from asking, and I refuse to answer anyway. I grow confused over your actions that when I think I'm over you, I'm thrown for a loop and fall right back down to cry for hours on end as the agony re-asserts itself.
I occasionally grow weary of this power over me, and thus I rebel or do something that is very much like something I would do in order to push you away or exert my freedom. I would like to say this through no fault of your own, I simply should be more careful and go back to being a stone hearted bitch. I should have never broke my own vow in the first place, but a thawed out heart has no control. Alas...
So anyway
Screw fucking Christmas up the arse, roll on the New Year and then Easter. Yes that's right I fucking well hate Valentine's Day too!
Even since Mum was taken away from us due to cancer, we no longer decorate or sit down to pretend to be a family for Christmas dinner. There is no longer a sense of togetherness that used to be there, we simply continue to tolerate one anothers presence while getting our stuff and scooting back off. Over the days and months the pain has lessened to a dull ache, there are times when I find myself still able to cry in large amounts over the loss. At such times I will always ask why was a good woman taken, and I was allowed to carry on living to make the others suffer? Is true that good people die before their time, no amount of anyone telling me otherwise I am not good or I would have died and not her.
The void she left is never filled and no matter what is done to fill it; it never lasts, around about December time I fall deeply in to my depression and seek distraction. Its rather pathetic that I still cry and cry over other things, life was so much easier for me when I was emotionally detached from stuff. A year that begins with a funeral I have discovered never tends to be a good year, hence on the 5th January 2009 we cremated my Grampy who died from cancer on the 23rd December 2008...
I would make a New Year's resolution to empower myself more to be myself to be free, to never love again nor allow myself to love and to finish off with telling people what I really want to say. Problem here is that I would break a lot of them as I'm rather scared to tell people what is truely on my mind, especially when it comes to speaking to the person about the matters of the heart and they are the cause.
For instance...
Thank you for always being there, being supportive, for the comfort and for your time. I know you better than most and less than others, but you are an awesome friend that is all you will be no matter my feelings on the subject. As a friend you can only be the best plus benefits (Though not currently due to circumstance), as a lover you are certainly no good for me and will forever cause me pain. However even though you broke my heart and I have repaired the damage to an extent, this has left some aspects of our friendship to be rather difficult for me. You have noticed it but refrain from asking, and I refuse to answer anyway. I grow confused over your actions that when I think I'm over you, I'm thrown for a loop and fall right back down to cry for hours on end as the agony re-asserts itself.
I occasionally grow weary of this power over me, and thus I rebel or do something that is very much like something I would do in order to push you away or exert my freedom. I would like to say this through no fault of your own, I simply should be more careful and go back to being a stone hearted bitch. I should have never broke my own vow in the first place, but a thawed out heart has no control. Alas...
So anyway
Screw fucking Christmas up the arse, roll on the New Year and then Easter. Yes that's right I fucking well hate Valentine's Day too!
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Offline
Its a standard thing for me now to be offline and not bothered to come online, when I'm feeling so down in the dumps that to be around people will make me bring them down with me. In such events I will just refuse to be around and go to sleep, yesterdays one was no exception I went to sleep. I was so uptight about open chat that certain things just urked me, in furthering my mood I allowed myself to just slip.
Okay we're all familar with the fact I'm in love, broken hearted etc etc. Only problem is everytime I think I'm on the mend, he does something that makes me melt right back to him. Ah the power of a male who knows just what to say and do... I logged on this morning after sleeping the night away, he logs on and messages me about how he missed me. I told him he worries too much he says he always worries, especially where I am concerned. Gone... Just like that I'm wanting to cry, mostly at the unfairness of it all.
Maybe I should leave the Shadows and cut off communication, as people have told me before I am only hurting myself by continuing being around him. He is a friend after all right? And I love that group with everything I have, but is it really advisiable to be in it considering my own personal hurt?
Maybe I like to remind myself he's not mine never will be, and each time I break down I should just get up again. I will carry on regardless, I am free and most importantly of all.
I
am
me
Okay we're all familar with the fact I'm in love, broken hearted etc etc. Only problem is everytime I think I'm on the mend, he does something that makes me melt right back to him. Ah the power of a male who knows just what to say and do... I logged on this morning after sleeping the night away, he logs on and messages me about how he missed me. I told him he worries too much he says he always worries, especially where I am concerned. Gone... Just like that I'm wanting to cry, mostly at the unfairness of it all.
Maybe I should leave the Shadows and cut off communication, as people have told me before I am only hurting myself by continuing being around him. He is a friend after all right? And I love that group with everything I have, but is it really advisiable to be in it considering my own personal hurt?
Maybe I like to remind myself he's not mine never will be, and each time I break down I should just get up again. I will carry on regardless, I am free and most importantly of all.
I
am
me
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Same shit different day
Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit. Day in, day out. Same shit.
Makes a Blueray sad...
Makes a Blueray sad...
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Secret romantic/Dashed hopes
So I say that the single life is fine because I got my Picket who is my onlinesister and my wife online in Secondlife, but in reality I am in fact alone and I feel rather lonely but I'm used to it. And I am used to the fact that it will never change, even if I tried to change something will always go wrong usually on the their side. At the end of the day men are fucking pricks, jerks, arseholes or any other degradorty term you can think of. I think I just mis-spelled but I don't care.
Truth is...
I'm rather sappy and secretly I want someone to love me just as much as I love them, to be snuggled up together on a sofa watching anime or reading books. In the winter months be curled up by an open fire, tangled with one another on a warm rug drinking hot chocolate with marshmellows in it. And I'm tired of being alone but I gave up my heart and had it smashed, so as some people know I'm fixing what got broken but gods he aint making it easy.
Happiness is a floundering thing that I often or not find is hard to keep a grasp on, it slips through my fingers quicker than sand and is gone in an instant. One reason why I love to try and help fix other people, I can't fix myself so I help others and when they no longer need me they move on and I find others to fix. I live for other people, not for myself.
Excerpt of recent conversation:
Blueray says:
*Well its obvious the way things keep going keep messing up, I should stay single have been for years. Its not going to change, its not meant to change and I'm used to it. I only suffered a broken heart once, this is the second time. I'll live and survive and shut up again, because that how I am. I will be Happy being alone, its less hassle and less heartache. You sis you deserve someone to make you feel good, to make you smile every day of the year. If ya get hurt I'm here for you like always
xxxx says:
*I think you're wrong.
*not wrong that you're always here for me but wrong that you think you dont deserve to be happy too. You put yourself down so much and it makes me sad. But really you're wonderful and thats NOT just me being partial. You really are. You're completely selfless you know? You're only happy alone in your mind. It's because you cant get hurt but thats not happy that's playing safe and it's just lonely.
*There are five people out there for everyone. One perfect soul mate and 4 others who are great. You have yet to find any of them. I believe that in my heart.
Blueray says:
*Nicky was great for a while :/ I don't know xxxx I don't like getting carried away, I don't want to keep opening up to get hurt. I'm alone and I'm scared, I just live for everyone else
xxxx says:
*I just want you to be happy and real happy not this charade you put on.
*You need to live for yourself.
Blueray says:
*If I was a little more selfish perhaps
Is it possible one day to have all the little romantic gestures I crave, alone with the absolute happiness that comes with a healthy, loving relationship?
I get too involved with people too fast and actually set myself up for serious falls, I will set my sights on someone and see them run off with someone else. That's life that's how things go, and at the end of things.... Men are shallow. If you don't have the right weight, height, or even facial structure, you don't get a look in and are passed over for that pretty little blonde bimbo with the giant boobs.
You could have the best personality in the world, til men can see what is on the inside as well the outside. People like me are destined to be alone. Born alone, live alone, die alone. Its a lonely fate and I accepted it, til it changes at any point so be it.
Truth is...
I'm rather sappy and secretly I want someone to love me just as much as I love them, to be snuggled up together on a sofa watching anime or reading books. In the winter months be curled up by an open fire, tangled with one another on a warm rug drinking hot chocolate with marshmellows in it. And I'm tired of being alone but I gave up my heart and had it smashed, so as some people know I'm fixing what got broken but gods he aint making it easy.
Happiness is a floundering thing that I often or not find is hard to keep a grasp on, it slips through my fingers quicker than sand and is gone in an instant. One reason why I love to try and help fix other people, I can't fix myself so I help others and when they no longer need me they move on and I find others to fix. I live for other people, not for myself.
Excerpt of recent conversation:
Blueray says:
*Well its obvious the way things keep going keep messing up, I should stay single have been for years. Its not going to change, its not meant to change and I'm used to it. I only suffered a broken heart once, this is the second time. I'll live and survive and shut up again, because that how I am. I will be Happy being alone, its less hassle and less heartache. You sis you deserve someone to make you feel good, to make you smile every day of the year. If ya get hurt I'm here for you like always
xxxx says:
*I think you're wrong.
*not wrong that you're always here for me but wrong that you think you dont deserve to be happy too. You put yourself down so much and it makes me sad. But really you're wonderful and thats NOT just me being partial. You really are. You're completely selfless you know? You're only happy alone in your mind. It's because you cant get hurt but thats not happy that's playing safe and it's just lonely.
*There are five people out there for everyone. One perfect soul mate and 4 others who are great. You have yet to find any of them. I believe that in my heart.
Blueray says:
*Nicky was great for a while :/ I don't know xxxx I don't like getting carried away, I don't want to keep opening up to get hurt. I'm alone and I'm scared, I just live for everyone else
xxxx says:
*I just want you to be happy and real happy not this charade you put on.
*You need to live for yourself.
Blueray says:
*If I was a little more selfish perhaps
Is it possible one day to have all the little romantic gestures I crave, alone with the absolute happiness that comes with a healthy, loving relationship?
I get too involved with people too fast and actually set myself up for serious falls, I will set my sights on someone and see them run off with someone else. That's life that's how things go, and at the end of things.... Men are shallow. If you don't have the right weight, height, or even facial structure, you don't get a look in and are passed over for that pretty little blonde bimbo with the giant boobs.
You could have the best personality in the world, til men can see what is on the inside as well the outside. People like me are destined to be alone. Born alone, live alone, die alone. Its a lonely fate and I accepted it, til it changes at any point so be it.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
I'll be okay - Amanda Marshall
It's time to let you go; it's time to say Goodbye
No more excuses; no more tears to cry
There's been so many changes; I was so confused
All along you were the one; all the time I never knew.
I want you to be happy; you're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now; all that could have been
I'll always have the memories; she'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing; just when you don't want it to
Throw away the chains; Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Life passes so quickly, you've got to take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters, you'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching, for what was always there,
Sometimes it will be too late, sometimes it won't be fair.
Throw away the chains, Let love fly away
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
I won't give up... I won't give in...
I can't re-create what just might have been,
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to return....
Throw away the chains, Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Can't go on forever, baby; I can't go on forever, baby...
Can't go on forever, baby... yeah...; I'll be OK
No more excuses; no more tears to cry
There's been so many changes; I was so confused
All along you were the one; all the time I never knew.
I want you to be happy; you're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now; all that could have been
I'll always have the memories; she'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing; just when you don't want it to
Throw away the chains; Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Life passes so quickly, you've got to take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters, you'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching, for what was always there,
Sometimes it will be too late, sometimes it won't be fair.
Throw away the chains, Let love fly away
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
I won't give up... I won't give in...
I can't re-create what just might have been,
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to return....
Throw away the chains, Let love find a way
Till love comes again, I'll be OK!
Can't go on forever, baby; I can't go on forever, baby...
Can't go on forever, baby... yeah...; I'll be OK
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
The shallow, the judgemental, the broken
The world is full of all sorts of people that also cling to the internet, I mean all sorts of people. While we're online we forget that a lot of us proberly aint all that good looking, and a lot of us don't have the same IQ levels as say someone who is intellectual. People do a lot of things they all have different behaviours, but if you never scrape past the surface then you will never know what that person is really like. To judge someone by what they do instead of who they are, that is a crime in itself. Remember ye must not judge unless ye be judged. We're all the same underneath, I urge people to try and learn about one another before making stupid judegements and labeling someone. For all you know they could behave in that way due to some deep seated issue.
I find that out of all things in the human race, men are the most shallow but women can be just as bad. You can when online learn to enjoy someone by their personality alone, but once it comes to the face to face meet thing and they aint a blonde, blue eyed skinny wench they aint wanted anymore. Its a shameful fact of life that this has to happen, you two people can connect in a way without being physically together only for that to crush them. Women are just as bad when it comes to weight, features and cock size, I suppose we are all shallow creatures but hell personality is a must a good body is just a bonus.
~deleted~
You became my whole world, it shattered in front of me. I'm picking up the pieces and putting them back together, slowly but surely I will be alright again I'll be okay. I refuse to go down the same route.... Our paths are different now.
Be happy <3
I find that out of all things in the human race, men are the most shallow but women can be just as bad. You can when online learn to enjoy someone by their personality alone, but once it comes to the face to face meet thing and they aint a blonde, blue eyed skinny wench they aint wanted anymore. Its a shameful fact of life that this has to happen, you two people can connect in a way without being physically together only for that to crush them. Women are just as bad when it comes to weight, features and cock size, I suppose we are all shallow creatures but hell personality is a must a good body is just a bonus.
~deleted~
You became my whole world, it shattered in front of me. I'm picking up the pieces and putting them back together, slowly but surely I will be alright again I'll be okay. I refuse to go down the same route.... Our paths are different now.
Be happy <3
Monday, 14 September 2009
Songs as a reminder
I'm going to put two songs here, the first is "If you only knew" by Shinedown. A reminder to all those who loved, love still, lost love and let their love go for the better good.
If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
I still on to the letters
You help live and learn
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew
The second song is just one I like to listen when the world seems to crack, a reminder that I am my own person and no one elses. Fallin' apart by All American Rejects
Can somebody save me?
Cus I'm thinking maybe
That yoou can take me piece by piece
Then you got your reasons
But I didn't need them
And either way I'm on my knees yeah
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
You say that you're leavin
Say that you don't need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can't make it through it
But I'm gonna try this anyway
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Anyone got it where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When my bodies close to me
I can give you anything you'd ever need
When I fall to the floor
Cus I can't feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don't need to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Where ever you are
~Chorus~
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Yeah I guess we're falling apart
Yeah it looks like we're falling apart
Yeah I guess I'm falling apart
If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew
I still on to the letters
You help live and learn
~Chorus~
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew
The second song is just one I like to listen when the world seems to crack, a reminder that I am my own person and no one elses. Fallin' apart by All American Rejects
Can somebody save me?
Cus I'm thinking maybe
That yoou can take me piece by piece
Then you got your reasons
But I didn't need them
And either way I'm on my knees yeah
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
You say that you're leavin
Say that you don't need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can't make it through it
But I'm gonna try this anyway
~Chorus~
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I'm deranged
I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Anyone got it where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When my bodies close to me
I can give you anything you'd ever need
When I fall to the floor
Cus I can't feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don't need to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Where ever you are
~Chorus~
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Either way you're breaking my heart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Where ever you go I'm crawlin
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Yeah I guess we're falling apart
Yeah it looks like we're falling apart
Yeah I guess I'm falling apart
Saturday, 12 September 2009
All the same - Sick Puppies
I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Til you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
For certain
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breathe you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
It's all the same
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
As long as you come to me
But I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Til you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
For certain
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breathe you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
It's all the same
Chorus
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Messages Five
~Message deleted~
You are stuck somewhere I don't know where, but its hurting all of us especially me and her. Yes life is hard and your plate is full, what was done by her was for the best and you know it. For gods sake stop giving us a hard time, and let us be the friends we are intended to be. Kthnx <3
From what I can tell your life is in some flux of change, you started doing what you stopped doing years ago. Its really satisfying to see you so happy making things, but I can't help feeling you are neglecting me. The same exact thing you wanted to rip him a new hole for, you are now doing yourself. However I will be supportive as a very dear friend, and be behind you all the way in whatever you achieve in life.
I hope you find the happiness you want and deserve, I hope she looks after you. I don't believe what people say, you aren't a psycho to me.
Long as you got people who care you will never walk alone.
I have a very set frame of mind of thinking, its been like it for years and trying to break it has been very difficult.
Quit disappearing. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it just makes it forget over time. I can not stay attached to someone who is not around, do as you promised to do and stick around for a bit. You are not being replaced, but our years and views on life are so different. You want kids and I don't, thats not gonna fuse nicely together at all.
In real life I'm alone........ Except on the interwebz
You are stuck somewhere I don't know where, but its hurting all of us especially me and her. Yes life is hard and your plate is full, what was done by her was for the best and you know it. For gods sake stop giving us a hard time, and let us be the friends we are intended to be. Kthnx <3
From what I can tell your life is in some flux of change, you started doing what you stopped doing years ago. Its really satisfying to see you so happy making things, but I can't help feeling you are neglecting me. The same exact thing you wanted to rip him a new hole for, you are now doing yourself. However I will be supportive as a very dear friend, and be behind you all the way in whatever you achieve in life.
I hope you find the happiness you want and deserve, I hope she looks after you. I don't believe what people say, you aren't a psycho to me.
Long as you got people who care you will never walk alone.
I have a very set frame of mind of thinking, its been like it for years and trying to break it has been very difficult.
Quit disappearing. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it just makes it forget over time. I can not stay attached to someone who is not around, do as you promised to do and stick around for a bit. You are not being replaced, but our years and views on life are so different. You want kids and I don't, thats not gonna fuse nicely together at all.
In real life I'm alone........ Except on the interwebz
Friday, 8 May 2009
It's just a game
Everquest, Guildwars, World of Warcraft, Furcadia, Starcraft, E.V.E, Secondlife, yeah the list goes on really. They are games we all play and true though some of these games, just have us simply killing monsters and grinding for experience points.. Other games are different so different you wonder if its a game at all, because people get upset or get wrapped up in it.
Take the game Secondlife for instance, its made and built by the people who play it. For a lot of players its a place where you can meet up with others all over the world, its a grand social event and you don't have to be yourself. Well you can be yourself but you don't have the usual restraints that society places on you, you could be like me and have no life at all apart from Secondlife.
It's just a game?
I once read that though Secondlife is a game, there are real people behind those avatars. The question was asked where do you draw the line, when those people actually start to get hurt? When they cry over something you done or said, when they hate you or when they laugh with you. Where is the line when its no longer a game, but something a whole lot different?
Okay so let me bring in to the equation a thing a lot of us like to call Roleplay, now I know where the Out of character and In character line is. A lot of roleplayers especially where I roleplay in don't know that line, and I have to admit I have occasionally blurred the line myself.
Why?
You get attached to the people you are interacting with, attached to their characters. Yes its easy to blurr the line when you get OOC pissed at something IC, you're too close to your own character or how their feeling hits your own emotions. I seen it often enough to realise thats when people need to back off, to look at the situation again and remember where the line is. OOC feelings for those who become friends or more also bleed a lot in to roleplay, its no fault of your own it just happens. No one is exempt from getting annoyed or crying over RP, for lashing out over the stupidist little things. If you happen to join a group one that is close-knit like a family, the line continues to blurr as you get more involved and tangled. Issues arise not from the roleplay itself but from the people behind the avatars, at the end of the day you're still dealing with real people.
So it's just a game......
Think again and be careful how you play.
Take the game Secondlife for instance, its made and built by the people who play it. For a lot of players its a place where you can meet up with others all over the world, its a grand social event and you don't have to be yourself. Well you can be yourself but you don't have the usual restraints that society places on you, you could be like me and have no life at all apart from Secondlife.
It's just a game?
I once read that though Secondlife is a game, there are real people behind those avatars. The question was asked where do you draw the line, when those people actually start to get hurt? When they cry over something you done or said, when they hate you or when they laugh with you. Where is the line when its no longer a game, but something a whole lot different?
Okay so let me bring in to the equation a thing a lot of us like to call Roleplay, now I know where the Out of character and In character line is. A lot of roleplayers especially where I roleplay in don't know that line, and I have to admit I have occasionally blurred the line myself.
Why?
You get attached to the people you are interacting with, attached to their characters. Yes its easy to blurr the line when you get OOC pissed at something IC, you're too close to your own character or how their feeling hits your own emotions. I seen it often enough to realise thats when people need to back off, to look at the situation again and remember where the line is. OOC feelings for those who become friends or more also bleed a lot in to roleplay, its no fault of your own it just happens. No one is exempt from getting annoyed or crying over RP, for lashing out over the stupidist little things. If you happen to join a group one that is close-knit like a family, the line continues to blurr as you get more involved and tangled. Issues arise not from the roleplay itself but from the people behind the avatars, at the end of the day you're still dealing with real people.
So it's just a game......
Think again and be careful how you play.
Monday, 4 May 2009
Messages Four
Can I ask why? You play around I see you preying on others, then why must you play with my emotions? I'm not your bitch I'm meant to be your friend, I can be left alone for weeks on end and I do what I want. I am going to cut you off we haven't done anything in weeks anyway, before I go any deeper before I fall anymore. You used to be a shoulder to cry on, for a while now I feel like a pet and I own myself not owned. Can we go back to how we were before? Just two good friends with no complications? How the fuck did we end up this screwed up? Why did it all go downhill? I care for you, show me you care by just being there.
Once again my love my support my pillar my wife, I've had enough of drama coming at me from all sides over the weekend. Though I screw up or let things happen, you never hate me as I can't hate you. You are as you say my bulldog, I know I love you not sure in what way but I know I would give you the world. When I fall over, pick me up. Please?
Oooooh that's so damn hot, growl for me baby.
Okay you, yes you. Damn it just cos you aint here doesn't mean you need to bloody smother me when you are here, I can see why she told you to see other people. I don't think she wanted you to smother those people too, we both love you but you are getting rather clingy. Give us a breather yo!
Erm babe polygamy is nothing to worry about, I may acutally have a streak of jealousy now and then. I won't let it ruin anything or let it show, I'll just bury it cos it goes after time. Long as I know you care, long as I know you'll be there.
Whatever you want do in life, don't make the people around you cry. I'm here for you to talk to, I do happen to be a good listener. Okay? Good.
I do not sound cute!
No I will not be singing on air.....
Meow mix, made with real meows.
Once again my love my support my pillar my wife, I've had enough of drama coming at me from all sides over the weekend. Though I screw up or let things happen, you never hate me as I can't hate you. You are as you say my bulldog, I know I love you not sure in what way but I know I would give you the world. When I fall over, pick me up. Please?
Oooooh that's so damn hot, growl for me baby.
Okay you, yes you. Damn it just cos you aint here doesn't mean you need to bloody smother me when you are here, I can see why she told you to see other people. I don't think she wanted you to smother those people too, we both love you but you are getting rather clingy. Give us a breather yo!
Erm babe polygamy is nothing to worry about, I may acutally have a streak of jealousy now and then. I won't let it ruin anything or let it show, I'll just bury it cos it goes after time. Long as I know you care, long as I know you'll be there.
Whatever you want do in life, don't make the people around you cry. I'm here for you to talk to, I do happen to be a good listener. Okay? Good.
I do not sound cute!
No I will not be singing on air.....
Meow mix, made with real meows.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Messages Three
[Yep its message time again, some is OOC and some is IC :P I won't say which is which, that ruins half the fun]
Live with us, come play with us. We'll make sure to corrupt you, and then you'll be one with us.
Why don't I say hi to you anymore? Because I hardly get a conversation out of you, unless it seems on your terms and when you want to talk to me. I love you all it takes is one word and I go running, but you neglect me leaving me on a shelf somewhere. I'm not going to sit here crying.....
Quit being emo, you're so much more fun when you smile.
Sweet baby don't you cry over the things you can't help, try to stay in a serene place the problem might solve itself. I'll always be here, here for you. I just want you happy, because your laughter brightens up the world. I love you babydoll <3
I got one thing to say to you!! Ppppppppuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Please don't worry or feel bad because you're not around, you got a life and things to do in it. Its not like I can't survive without you, I understand and I'm not a priority. Take care of the things that matter, and look after yourself.
I heard all about but its just one side of it, it all could have been handled in a better and more mature way. I don't care what anyone says you won't be alone, you just need to see what you had and what you got. Things went sour and I'm sorry, there is still time to heal the wounds and rifts.
We face eachother from different sides, the anger burns can't remember why. It's kind of crazy to cause such pain, our foolish pride makes us hate this way. We watch our world fall apart. Tell me what good is winning, when we loose our heart? - Brother my brother by Blessed union of souls
All those accept my new path I will embrace and call my family, I spent such a long time with you all. All I ask is that you don't cause conflict between the old and the new, if you hate me that much just know I'm no traitor.
Do you know what love is? You speak it, but you don't seem to feel it.
It takes an asshat to know an asshat :D
For your sake its time you saw you are with people who are poisoning you, you grew some balls and you lost them again. You fill me with this undieing disappointment, I can shed no more tears of distress. I'm pretty much done and I grow weary of the insults, whenever I decide to say hi to you. Seriously wake the fuck up!
MOOCH!
Lulz of the day:
[11:50] Lucky Fortune Teller whispers: The astral spirits bring a grave warning for Blueray Darkes:
[11:50] Lucky Fortune Teller whispers: The spirits say: 'Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.'
Live with us, come play with us. We'll make sure to corrupt you, and then you'll be one with us.
Why don't I say hi to you anymore? Because I hardly get a conversation out of you, unless it seems on your terms and when you want to talk to me. I love you all it takes is one word and I go running, but you neglect me leaving me on a shelf somewhere. I'm not going to sit here crying.....
Quit being emo, you're so much more fun when you smile.
Sweet baby don't you cry over the things you can't help, try to stay in a serene place the problem might solve itself. I'll always be here, here for you. I just want you happy, because your laughter brightens up the world. I love you babydoll <3
I got one thing to say to you!! Ppppppppuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Please don't worry or feel bad because you're not around, you got a life and things to do in it. Its not like I can't survive without you, I understand and I'm not a priority. Take care of the things that matter, and look after yourself.
I heard all about but its just one side of it, it all could have been handled in a better and more mature way. I don't care what anyone says you won't be alone, you just need to see what you had and what you got. Things went sour and I'm sorry, there is still time to heal the wounds and rifts.
We face eachother from different sides, the anger burns can't remember why. It's kind of crazy to cause such pain, our foolish pride makes us hate this way. We watch our world fall apart. Tell me what good is winning, when we loose our heart? - Brother my brother by Blessed union of souls
All those accept my new path I will embrace and call my family, I spent such a long time with you all. All I ask is that you don't cause conflict between the old and the new, if you hate me that much just know I'm no traitor.
Do you know what love is? You speak it, but you don't seem to feel it.
It takes an asshat to know an asshat :D
For your sake its time you saw you are with people who are poisoning you, you grew some balls and you lost them again. You fill me with this undieing disappointment, I can shed no more tears of distress. I'm pretty much done and I grow weary of the insults, whenever I decide to say hi to you. Seriously wake the fuck up!
MOOCH!
Lulz of the day:
[11:50] Lucky Fortune Teller whispers: The astral spirits bring a grave warning for Blueray Darkes:
[11:50] Lucky Fortune Teller whispers: The spirits say: 'Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.'
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
In this city - Iglu & Hartley
[Lalalalala disclaimer not mine]
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I wont disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city
Close those doors
Close those doors now
Now, now, just keep em open
Keep em open
Yea, keep em open
Ill keep on, keep keep on going
Taking it in so, so heavy
Take it easy son, this aint so deadly
Got keep on, gotta go on, gotta go on
Take it all with what weve done
Gotta push it push it push it
To the top of the building
Even when no one is feeling
It might bother you
Dont let it
If these people just dont get it
They cant express it
They wont accept it
She said its okay that they may never give you that credit.
(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I wont disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city
Ive been down here
Down these roads
People pass through
Some stay some go
Standing here broke
Not a penny to my name
But she says she loves me all the same
I try my best
And you do to
And all you want is something you can move to
Everybodys gotta get their kicks somewhere
Everybody gotta fit in somewhere
Theres, an open road
And Im traveling down
Dont know where to go
But I lock and load
Shoot that sky till the moon explode
Moon explode
Now were laying in a field
White flowers on our backs
Talking bout home
But we cant go back
I guess thats why we left
So we could take a step
Keep moving and forget the rest.
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I wont disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I wont disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city
Close those doors
Close those doors now
Now, now, just keep em open
Keep em open
Yea, keep em open
Ill keep on, keep keep on going
Taking it in so, so heavy
Take it easy son, this aint so deadly
Got keep on, gotta go on, gotta go on
Take it all with what weve done
Gotta push it push it push it
To the top of the building
Even when no one is feeling
It might bother you
Dont let it
If these people just dont get it
They cant express it
They wont accept it
She said its okay that they may never give you that credit.
(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I wont disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city
Ive been down here
Down these roads
People pass through
Some stay some go
Standing here broke
Not a penny to my name
But she says she loves me all the same
I try my best
And you do to
And all you want is something you can move to
Everybodys gotta get their kicks somewhere
Everybody gotta fit in somewhere
Theres, an open road
And Im traveling down
Dont know where to go
But I lock and load
Shoot that sky till the moon explode
Moon explode
Now were laying in a field
White flowers on our backs
Talking bout home
But we cant go back
I guess thats why we left
So we could take a step
Keep moving and forget the rest.
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
You came in to my life
You cannot separate yourself
(Chorus)
And I found that round here
In this city
That I wont disappear
In this city
I got nothing to fear
In this city,
In this city
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Messages Two
miss you, I wish I knew if you are truely gone or not. Not knowing is driving me crazy, I haven't cried not even when I heard. All I'm doing is looking for a sign, and finding only the empty places where you've been.
No excuse I make up will ever cover the fact I betrayed you, and for that I'm truely sorry for the pain I'm causing you. I've fallen in to a dark place with no current escape, as usual I end up just hurting all the people around me. I don't mean to, I don't want to. I hate hurting anyone.
You crushed me. I hope you got what you wanted out of it, that you made me feel worthless. You reminded me I am nothing more than a fucktoy, that men are liars and cheats. For a brief moment you gave me hope that I could have something of worth, in the end you simply snuffed it right back out again. Thank you for putting me in to my low point, no really thanks.
Whenever you want a peach just ask, I will certainly roll one your way.
Sometimes things don't work out here on this thing we call Secondlife, at the end of it all what happens in real life counts a little more. Work at what you need to work at, but know that when people finally move on they still love you with all that they are.
Funny how you are called the Shadow consort, though others of your own family are rather fond of me and another. Perhaps they should be called a Shadow consort too, at least that will make it fair.
What the fuck bit you in the ass and died?
I don't know how I got here or why, I don't talk about my problems I just bottle up. Usually it comes out rather slowly, this time it decided to exlpode in bursts. Screwing up, goofing off, and anything else that I did, I've been hit hard since December but still its no excuse. Right?
You always have my back, I always give in to you.. What happened there?
I will always be a Shadow at heart, even when I'm falling apart.
For some reason I can't seem to do anything alone anymore.
No excuse I make up will ever cover the fact I betrayed you, and for that I'm truely sorry for the pain I'm causing you. I've fallen in to a dark place with no current escape, as usual I end up just hurting all the people around me. I don't mean to, I don't want to. I hate hurting anyone.
You crushed me. I hope you got what you wanted out of it, that you made me feel worthless. You reminded me I am nothing more than a fucktoy, that men are liars and cheats. For a brief moment you gave me hope that I could have something of worth, in the end you simply snuffed it right back out again. Thank you for putting me in to my low point, no really thanks.
Whenever you want a peach just ask, I will certainly roll one your way.
Sometimes things don't work out here on this thing we call Secondlife, at the end of it all what happens in real life counts a little more. Work at what you need to work at, but know that when people finally move on they still love you with all that they are.
Funny how you are called the Shadow consort, though others of your own family are rather fond of me and another. Perhaps they should be called a Shadow consort too, at least that will make it fair.
What the fuck bit you in the ass and died?
I don't know how I got here or why, I don't talk about my problems I just bottle up. Usually it comes out rather slowly, this time it decided to exlpode in bursts. Screwing up, goofing off, and anything else that I did, I've been hit hard since December but still its no excuse. Right?
You always have my back, I always give in to you.. What happened there?
I will always be a Shadow at heart, even when I'm falling apart.
For some reason I can't seem to do anything alone anymore.
Friday, 23 January 2009
Messages One
I stole this idea...... I thought it was a good idea
I want to tell you how I feel but I think that would just drive you away, I enjoy spending time with you. If only I knew how to say it and hope you would stay, I can't even say it here.
Pull your shit together I don't want to be in the middle when you two go off at eachother, I'll be the friend you need and want but I am not your scape goat.
QUIT BITING ME! The more you bite the more tempted I am, it doesn't matter if she said we could. I know she would still be hurt by our actions, and I am trying to keep my vow. Either way I like your company, I find you rather witty.
I'm not first in your heart and I realise I can't take that place, I also know that I don't want to make you unhappy. I am happy with having you around and our shared time, I will always have a place for you in my heart. <3
I can't thank you enough for spoiling me as much as you do, or the cuddles you give to me whenever I need to smile. Whenever I am sad you do your best to make me laugh. Much love to you!
So glad I married you, love you alot babes.
Do not tempt darkness to you for it will not go well for you, sometimes the light can not penterate the pitch black of a souless creature.
Knowing that you are happy with your wife makes me happy, despite the bitterness I sometimes feel when I see you two together.
I want to tell you how I feel but I think that would just drive you away, I enjoy spending time with you. If only I knew how to say it and hope you would stay, I can't even say it here.
Pull your shit together I don't want to be in the middle when you two go off at eachother, I'll be the friend you need and want but I am not your scape goat.
QUIT BITING ME! The more you bite the more tempted I am, it doesn't matter if she said we could. I know she would still be hurt by our actions, and I am trying to keep my vow. Either way I like your company, I find you rather witty.
I'm not first in your heart and I realise I can't take that place, I also know that I don't want to make you unhappy. I am happy with having you around and our shared time, I will always have a place for you in my heart. <3
I can't thank you enough for spoiling me as much as you do, or the cuddles you give to me whenever I need to smile. Whenever I am sad you do your best to make me laugh. Much love to you!
So glad I married you, love you alot babes.
Do not tempt darkness to you for it will not go well for you, sometimes the light can not penterate the pitch black of a souless creature.
Knowing that you are happy with your wife makes me happy, despite the bitterness I sometimes feel when I see you two together.
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