Humbug

Its another year and another Christmas, third one without having Mum around. Over the years my parents have always argued, even on Christmas day they argued and never stopped arguing. When the turkey was cooked and all the food out on the table, we sat down to eat as a family along with our grandparents and pleasent conversation.

Even since Mum was taken away from us due to cancer, we no longer decorate or sit down to pretend to be a family for Christmas dinner. There is no longer a sense of togetherness that used to be there, we simply continue to tolerate one anothers presence while getting our stuff and scooting back off. Over the days and months the pain has lessened to a dull ache, there are times when I find myself still able to cry in large amounts over the loss. At such times I will always ask why was a good woman taken, and I was allowed to carry on living to make the others suffer? Is true that good people die before their time, no amount of anyone telling me otherwise I am not good or I would have died and not her.

The void she left is never filled and no matter what is done to fill it; it never lasts, around about December time I fall deeply in to my depression and seek distraction. Its rather pathetic that I still cry and cry over other things, life was so much easier for me when I was emotionally detached from stuff. A year that begins with a funeral I have discovered never tends to be a good year, hence on the 5th January 2009 we cremated my Grampy who died from cancer on the 23rd December 2008...

I would make a New Year's resolution to empower myself more to be myself to be free, to never love again nor allow myself to love and to finish off with telling people what I really want to say. Problem here is that I would break a lot of them as I'm rather scared to tell people what is truely on my mind, especially when it comes to speaking to the person about the matters of the heart and they are the cause.

For instance...

Thank you for always being there, being supportive, for the comfort and for your time. I know you better than most and less than others, but you are an awesome friend that is all you will be no matter my feelings on the subject. As a friend you can only be the best plus benefits (Though not currently due to circumstance), as a lover you are certainly no good for me and will forever cause me pain. However even though you broke my heart and I have repaired the damage to an extent, this has left some aspects of our friendship to be rather difficult for me. You have noticed it but refrain from asking, and I refuse to answer anyway. I grow confused over your actions that when I think I'm over you, I'm thrown for a loop and fall right back down to cry for hours on end as the agony re-asserts itself.

I occasionally grow weary of this power over me, and thus I rebel or do something that is very much like something I would do in order to push you away or exert my freedom. I would like to say this through no fault of your own, I simply should be more careful and go back to being a stone hearted bitch. I should have never broke my own vow in the first place, but a thawed out heart has no control. Alas...

So anyway

Screw fucking Christmas up the arse, roll on the New Year and then Easter. Yes that's right I fucking well hate Valentine's Day too!